I didn't know it started a hype train!
I told you I had to make up for the sin of not realizing it was your birthday! XD

I also found out my Sister in law passed a couple weeks ago and my grandmother has developed full-blown dementia since my uncle passed a couple months ago.

I'm sure there are a dozen cuts and bruises I've forgotten to mention. It's been relentless.

If you've read this far, know that I love you. I see you. And you're not alone.

This community is beautiful and supportive and it's an honor to be part of it.

I'll catch you on the flip-side.

<3 Nix

Music has helped. I got to see my favorite band.

"Walk this valley of death, head high
Say, "I'll be back, today I won't die"
Try as we may, we can never deny
We can get back up if we're still alive"

-Bloodywood

And that what is keeping me going. Knowing that if I'm not dead, it can get better.

And at the end of the day, it's this community, goblins and goblin-friends, that keeps me looking up.

I don't ask for help, I was raised to be independent and I can't get a therapist that works for me to help fix it.

But I can't struggle in silence anymore. I'm suffering, I'm hurting.

And to cap all this off, I spent most of my tax return keeping my vehicle running, racking up $4200 and counting to get it back in shape to keep moving, because that's my work vehicle. It's not an option to let it die.

Every day it's in the shop is another day I'm not getting paid.

Add onto all this my daily struggles as an autistic parent with massive-depressive disorder, anxiety, and insomnia.

Add on the sweltering heat wave and the fact that I work outside frequently, and in construction.

Add on the state of the country and world at large.

And as I've said, I'm poly. With all this happening, I didn't have enough time for myself, let alone most other people.

One of my partners and I separated amicably because I just can't do the relationship justice. Then they completely dropped me from their life when we were supposed to be friends.

He's also suffering dementia and has lost most of his short-term memory. Given the placement and his status, it's almost inoperable.

I'm dropping everything to cross the country and see him while I still can.

Again, without the finances to support the emotionally necessary decision.

During this process, we discovered that her cat has a cancer-like growth on his lip, and with his advanced age, it's best to let it go until it starts impacting his quality of life.

A couple weeks ago, I got the call that the fist-sized mass on my dad's pancreas is also cancerous. He's 84.

My partner is the sole-heir and we've ended up with a second home worth of debt.

We elected to save her childhood home and move into her deceased mother's house. This meant selling the home we've built over the last 5 years, and moving everything we have with zero finances to back it up.

Shortly thereafter, it was found her mom had stage 3 cervical cancer.

Her kidneys failed, and then went septic. By the time they had cured the sepsis the cancer had spread to her brain. She passed in May.

About this time, my uncle (in remission) caught pneumonia suddenly and passed as well.

The week before Thanksgiving, my partner was laid off. We had just been getting on our feet financially having paid off some debts. She still hasn't been able to find work, and she's a certified educator filling out dozens of applications a week.

We've had some very tight pockets lately.

Update:

Nix does, in fact, feel the urge to draw the new Mira look