The typos are also mildly disappointing 🧐

Well of course not, when would he ever find the time?

I think that one on the bottom is the primary ingredient in every tube of super glue I buy

I don't want my city being overrun by armed criminal gangs wandering around and threatening, harassing, and assaulting residents

Yes, I am talking about ICE. The only ice that should be in Eau Claire is the kind that melts at 32°F

That's ridiculous. Doesn't everyone know it's bad luck to be superstitious?

I play Sim City occasionally. Maybe I should add "City Planner" to my resume

When would he have the time? Those tweets aren't going to write themselves

It's more commonly referred to as "closing time"

400 😮

I only had 84 this year

Did you know Old Dutch is currently making "holiday stuffing" flavored potato chips?

(Also where can a person buy those gummy worms? Just out of general curiosity, of course...)

That *would* solve a LOT of problems.

It's true that there may also be a few other less fortunate side effects, but I prefer to focus on the positive

I've cleverly avoided such temptations by leaving my baking until this afternoon after work

Totally an intentional clever plan. Nothing whatsoever to do with procrastination. Not at all concerned about how much still needs to be done

I wish I could say that was shocking, but honestly at this point I'd be more shocked if they didn't

Nightmare material right there