Bro’s one more protest away from hitting me with the “pretty please with a cherry on top”

I forgot I had this. Don’t worry I’ll be funnier

Girl dinner is when you meet all your food requirements via snackage material. A grazing off brand charcuterie of whatever you can find amongst the fridge and pantry

Boy dinner is eating a hunk of banana bread like you’re in Skyrim bc that's basically a fruit, which is nearly a vegetable

If you don’t train your grip at the gym, good luck getting the last mozzarella stick from me at the table

If you ever think our parents or older folks aren’t weird little freaks like the rest of us, just remember the people who wrote Spirk fanfic in the 60s are still around

This is truly a horrible week for the nothing ever happens crowd

Never send a man to Walmart to buy chrome duct tape because they’ll come back with light grey and ruin your train tracks

Happy national bartender day! Sincerely, from your favorite thing to ask a bartender for (Beer).

Am I sad a person died? Yeah. That’s always sad. Am I upset the entity that is the CEO of UnitedHealthcare was murdered? ……..no sorry can’t say that I am

Did you know if you hold space bar and use your arrow keys in ms paint you can draw on it like an etch-a-sketch? Subscribe for more kitchen tips

While typically I am a propionate of doing whatever you want to your home to make you like it more, bc fuck resale value based upgrades, I just watched someone put green contact paper over their granite counter tops and it makes me feel violent.

Technically, in a really round about way, you can have the French language surgically removed