And finally, President Trump, the ringmaster of this financial circus, added a dramatic twist by introducing tariffs mid-performance, sending the audience into a frenzy. Economists called it “a brilliant way to keep everyone guessing.” Can We Land Without Crashing?” Spoiler: Probably not.

As the stock market performed its own high-flying trapeze act—up, down, and somewhere sideways—investors were left scratching their heads, wondering if they were watching economic acrobatics or just a really expensive clown show.

Not to be outdone, corporate America joined the chaos by withdrawing earnings forecasts en masse. Major players like GM, UPS, and PepsiCo seemed inspired by Schrödinger’s business model—simultaneously making profits and not. “Our projections are now available in quantum form,” joked one CEO.

Meanwhile, the Consumer Confidence Index took a swan dive off the high wire, landing somewhere around 86.0. Spectators reported a loud thud, followed by an awkward silence as the Expectations Index hit a 13-year low. “It’s like a magic trick where optimism disappears,” commented one onlooker.

In Act One, GDP stunned the crowd by shrinking by 0.3%, showcasing its new minimalist approach to growth. Economists applauded the dedication to lowering expectations, calling it “a bold artistic statement.”