The dog was just licking her butt, and farted on her tongue… then gave ME a dirty look… like girl… that was all you!

The other day we were in the car with the kid, and we drove by a truck transporting half a dozen portapotties…

Kid: LOOK AT ALL THE TARDIS!!

Holy hell… the child’s grandparents bought her flowery perfume or some kind of room spray… and she basically soaked the bathroom in it.

I used a washcloth and now I reek of it to the point the dog can’t settle and I’m choking from the stench.

Somebody send gas masks please…

Kid started singing “I like big butts and I cannot lie” and I came in singing the next couple lines… and she had the utter audacity to ask ME how I know that song.

Girl… I have had that entire song memorized since before I was double digit years old.

And yet she still won’t admit my music rocks!

Got up to use the bathroom at the same time the husband was taking Ahsoka (the puppy) out…

Since we were both going potty, I might have just fist-bumped her paw and said “It’s like we’re sisters from different misters!”

Very… very different misters… 🤣

We told the kid she could invite a friend for Easter/Passover dinner…

She just informed us that five out of six people she invited are potentially coming.

Now I see why she only got 69% on her math test… 🤦🏻

So the child was told she could have a sleepover with her grandparents if she got above 70% on her fractions test.

She got 69%

Listening to music yesterday when kiddo came home from school…

R: I’m gonna put on my headphones to listen to my music… that’s popular…
Me: Pffft… my music isn’t popular?
R: Nope…
*Song 2 starts playing*
R: …Okay, this is popular…
Me: Mmm hmm… I have great taste, kid.

My kid reading me a story she’s writing with her friends…

“A long long time ago, between 1991 and 1998”

Jesus kid… 🤦🏻 I went into grade 10 in 1998…

The child was being a bit of a snarky one the other day, so I playfully bopped her with a throw pillow a couple times. The dog came over and grabbed the pillow, not to stop me, but to get her own turn, bopping the child with a pillow 🤣

Kiddo nearly fell off the couch laughing.