"I've got splinters where the good lord hindered me."
⁠—Matt 8:2:16

"There will be no monkeyshines, there will be no moon business."
—Mark 5:10:16

"I got a cellar full of kids and an attic full of olds."
—Matt 5:10:16

"I'd like to invite Weezer to go rub up a ditch."
—Mark 6:5:18

"Whaddaya got, a Pacific Cooler, a Tropical Meltdown, Hawaiian Getter-Go-Guy?"
"This is fruit punch, Matt."

—Matt and Maria, 4:14:16

"They're a bunch of only children, and they deserve to take dark baths."
—Matt 9:15:15

Just found out that all our old posts over on the shambling corpse of Twitter were deleted. A devastating loss. I'd like to take this opportunity to preserve here the fact that Matt only ever liked one post on that account, and it was this especially weird @markmcconville.bsky.social joke.

"The Beatles record that I like the most is Squirt City."
—Mark, 4:10:18

"That's all about there is to do to say this tonight about it."
—Matt 6:9:15

"We're basically local broadcasters, do you think our headshots will be up in strange little taco bars and reefer palaces?"

—Matt 4:4:17

"We're all a bunch of hard soup."
—Matt 10:8:19

"What's she building in there? Dire Straits."
—Matt 5:26:15

"I was raised by two women, and I'm going to die by two women." 
—Matt 11:23:16

“Tonight’s game brought to you by Carl’s Jr: the only hamburger with a dad.”
—Mark 5:12:15

"Tonight's game brought to you by Lottery Barn: furniture made of dreams." 
—Mark 6:13:17

"I think the coach here just went out and said 'Who's tall and can ball?'"
"And where did he go out and say that?"
"Just the mall."
—Mark and Matt 4:4:17