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Thanks for asking, and being visible. 💜

Transition cleared away a lot of dark clouds and let the sunshine in. But it also lets my own light *out*, and I'm not content to just shine. I will *blaze*, as hot as I can, as long as I can. I will end up with however many moments I get - the number isn't on me.

But I'd rather they be bright.

I focus on how much better my life is, how much joy I have, the things I *do* get to do, not just (unnecessarily) gendered things, but things that make it visible *who I am*, after desperately hiding big parts of that that for so long. Even now - when being visible has become more dangerous again.

So, we come to your question - "how do you deal with it"? Denial and distraction certainly play their parts.

But the thing that works best is "mindful gratitude". I don't really think of it that way, it's not a self-help technique, it's just a description of how I try to live.

Even now, there are great roles I *could* get, maybe, but I know there will come a point when it's just not going to happen, and I know it's closer every day, if it hasn't already come. So maybe I rush. Push myself to get better, try not to miss new opportunities, as much as I can as fast as I can.

I started transition when I was 44. I'm 50 now. Voice acting often dodges this, for which I'm very grateful, but aging as an actress isn't a treat. And I started so late - acting was in that box marked "danger - do not reveal", there are roles I'll never get to play, or even audition for.

But I was *doing* things that I'd packed away in the same box as my gender - moments of pure joy and freedom were thick on the ground. Acting is one of those, and stage acting has been *incredible*. I've made people laugh, feel things, applaud. *Been seen*. But as I've settled in, it's complicated.

After someone managed to make me actually see myself, for one minute, and it became impossible to continue, that's when the ticking clock started. It was subtle at first, because yes, I more keenly felt the things I'd missed, knowing now I *could* have transitioned earlier.

It's not FOMO - FOMO is theoretical. It's ROMO, where the 'r' is Reality. I definitely missed out. And I tried to comfort myself with how plausible it was that there were uniquely shitty things about the experience of growing up as a cis girl that I also skipped over.

While I was in my long "I know what I am, but there's no point in trying to do anything about it" phase, brought on by a therapist who I don't think was ill-intentioned, just deeply not competent to deal with an insecure, dysphoric and dysmorphic trans girl - I had that a lot.

What even the fuck?

Look, the heart wants what the heart wants. 😁

That *ending*! 😅🥰❤️

#audiodrama #podcast #nospoilersbuttherearerelevanttags

Once, he jumped out of his can. It's hard to make out because of the motion blur, but looks like toes very similar to his fingers.

Whenever I see this, the air-quotes around "wrong" are audible.

😂 Living room furniture that comes with a console built in seems like an untapped market in our consumer hellscape.

Oh my god, yes, *so* good, especially having lived through that whole era.

Baby Mine still wrecks me whenever I hear it now.

"It only makes you make the screaming possum face the first time you try it, after that it's very mellow."