Jane Doe’s Batshit Crazy Things My Parents Say
@parsnipbutter.bsky.social
Just your average 1st year Gen X woman with no desire to listen to bullshit. But I have to….they are my parents…..
I haven’t posted much as 2 of my siblings are dealing with cancer. However, this gem from Mom came today:
“If you are going to the post office, can you swing by the post office and ask them where they are located?”
My Dad rolled his eyes when she said this.
“If you are going to the post office, can you swing by the post office and ask them where they are located?”
My Dad rolled his eyes when she said this.
January 6, 2026 at 2:45 AM
I haven’t posted much as 2 of my siblings are dealing with cancer. However, this gem from Mom came today:
“If you are going to the post office, can you swing by the post office and ask them where they are located?”
My Dad rolled his eyes when she said this.
“If you are going to the post office, can you swing by the post office and ask them where they are located?”
My Dad rolled his eyes when she said this.
New post!
Mom: When is your surgery scheduled?
Me: What surgery?
Mom: Your surgery!
Me: I don’t know where you got that from. I’m not having surgery.
Mom: Yes you are. Your tonsils, remember?
Me: I had them taken out in 1973.
Mom: No you didn’t.
Me: Yes, I did.
Mom: You’re lying.
Mom: When is your surgery scheduled?
Me: What surgery?
Mom: Your surgery!
Me: I don’t know where you got that from. I’m not having surgery.
Mom: Yes you are. Your tonsils, remember?
Me: I had them taken out in 1973.
Mom: No you didn’t.
Me: Yes, I did.
Mom: You’re lying.
October 16, 2025 at 2:41 AM
New post!
Mom: When is your surgery scheduled?
Me: What surgery?
Mom: Your surgery!
Me: I don’t know where you got that from. I’m not having surgery.
Mom: Yes you are. Your tonsils, remember?
Me: I had them taken out in 1973.
Mom: No you didn’t.
Me: Yes, I did.
Mom: You’re lying.
Mom: When is your surgery scheduled?
Me: What surgery?
Mom: Your surgery!
Me: I don’t know where you got that from. I’m not having surgery.
Mom: Yes you are. Your tonsils, remember?
Me: I had them taken out in 1973.
Mom: No you didn’t.
Me: Yes, I did.
Mom: You’re lying.
Dad: There’s a new resident here and we had lunch with her today.
Mom: We had meatloaf!
Dad: You had the fish & chips.
Me: So tell me about the new resident.
Mom: She’s 86 and had the meatloaf.
Dad: Her name is Mabel and she also had the fish.
Mom: I thought her name was Agnes.
Mom: We had meatloaf!
Dad: You had the fish & chips.
Me: So tell me about the new resident.
Mom: She’s 86 and had the meatloaf.
Dad: Her name is Mabel and she also had the fish.
Mom: I thought her name was Agnes.
September 17, 2025 at 2:16 AM
Dad: There’s a new resident here and we had lunch with her today.
Mom: We had meatloaf!
Dad: You had the fish & chips.
Me: So tell me about the new resident.
Mom: She’s 86 and had the meatloaf.
Dad: Her name is Mabel and she also had the fish.
Mom: I thought her name was Agnes.
Mom: We had meatloaf!
Dad: You had the fish & chips.
Me: So tell me about the new resident.
Mom: She’s 86 and had the meatloaf.
Dad: Her name is Mabel and she also had the fish.
Mom: I thought her name was Agnes.
Dad: I’m not sure, but I think that the Republican Party I knew is long gone.
Bro1: What makes you say that?
Dad: When they advertise a $60 Trump bible and it’s only in the King James Version, I have to rethink what they stand for.
Sis2 (whispering): Hell is freezing over.
Bro1: What makes you say that?
Dad: When they advertise a $60 Trump bible and it’s only in the King James Version, I have to rethink what they stand for.
Sis2 (whispering): Hell is freezing over.
September 15, 2025 at 1:00 AM
Dad: I’m not sure, but I think that the Republican Party I knew is long gone.
Bro1: What makes you say that?
Dad: When they advertise a $60 Trump bible and it’s only in the King James Version, I have to rethink what they stand for.
Sis2 (whispering): Hell is freezing over.
Bro1: What makes you say that?
Dad: When they advertise a $60 Trump bible and it’s only in the King James Version, I have to rethink what they stand for.
Sis2 (whispering): Hell is freezing over.
Sis2 called me and mentioned that Lego is coming out with a Star Trek Lego set. She wants to substitute all the figurines in one of the manger sets this Xmas with the ST Legos.
Bro2 has also called about this.
Looks like it will be a Lego holiday season.
Bro2 has also called about this.
Looks like it will be a Lego holiday season.
September 10, 2025 at 2:32 AM
Sis2 called me and mentioned that Lego is coming out with a Star Trek Lego set. She wants to substitute all the figurines in one of the manger sets this Xmas with the ST Legos.
Bro2 has also called about this.
Looks like it will be a Lego holiday season.
Bro2 has also called about this.
Looks like it will be a Lego holiday season.
Mom: I had a hot dog and fries for lunch. They were so tasty!
Dad: She had Chicken Alfredo.
Mom: I did not!
Dad: Yes, you did!
Mom: How do you know?
Dad: I have the receipt from the restaurant.
Dad: She had Chicken Alfredo.
Mom: I did not!
Dad: Yes, you did!
Mom: How do you know?
Dad: I have the receipt from the restaurant.
September 10, 2025 at 2:22 AM
Mom: I had a hot dog and fries for lunch. They were so tasty!
Dad: She had Chicken Alfredo.
Mom: I did not!
Dad: Yes, you did!
Mom: How do you know?
Dad: I have the receipt from the restaurant.
Dad: She had Chicken Alfredo.
Mom: I did not!
Dad: Yes, you did!
Mom: How do you know?
Dad: I have the receipt from the restaurant.
Dad: If something happens to me, make sure your mother is taken care of.
Bro2: (in best Don Corleone voice) Mother will be taken care of.
Dad: I’m serious!
Bro2: (in best PeeWee Herman voice) Okay Pops!
Bro2: (in best Don Corleone voice) Mother will be taken care of.
Dad: I’m serious!
Bro2: (in best PeeWee Herman voice) Okay Pops!
September 1, 2025 at 2:27 AM
Dad: If something happens to me, make sure your mother is taken care of.
Bro2: (in best Don Corleone voice) Mother will be taken care of.
Dad: I’m serious!
Bro2: (in best PeeWee Herman voice) Okay Pops!
Bro2: (in best Don Corleone voice) Mother will be taken care of.
Dad: I’m serious!
Bro2: (in best PeeWee Herman voice) Okay Pops!
This morning:
Mom: Your sister is getting married this weekend.
Me: She got married two weeks ago.
Mom: Where was I when this happened?
Me: The front row.
Mom: Your sister is getting married this weekend.
Me: She got married two weeks ago.
Mom: Where was I when this happened?
Me: The front row.
August 31, 2025 at 3:15 AM
This morning:
Mom: Your sister is getting married this weekend.
Me: She got married two weeks ago.
Mom: Where was I when this happened?
Me: The front row.
Mom: Your sister is getting married this weekend.
Me: She got married two weeks ago.
Mom: Where was I when this happened?
Me: The front row.
Today’s gem:
Mom: When I was your age, ladies got dressed up for going to the store. You must always look your best.
Sister: This coming from the woman who would go to the bank in fuzzy slippers and curlers.
Mom: The bank isn’t a store!
Mom: When I was your age, ladies got dressed up for going to the store. You must always look your best.
Sister: This coming from the woman who would go to the bank in fuzzy slippers and curlers.
Mom: The bank isn’t a store!
August 29, 2025 at 2:41 AM
Today’s gem:
Mom: When I was your age, ladies got dressed up for going to the store. You must always look your best.
Sister: This coming from the woman who would go to the bank in fuzzy slippers and curlers.
Mom: The bank isn’t a store!
Mom: When I was your age, ladies got dressed up for going to the store. You must always look your best.
Sister: This coming from the woman who would go to the bank in fuzzy slippers and curlers.
Mom: The bank isn’t a store!
Today’s episode:
Mom: I need you to come over.
Me: I’m 4.5 hours away. I can’t just drop everything and make my way there.
Mom: When did you move so far away?
Me: 1990
Mom: I need you to come over.
Me: I’m 4.5 hours away. I can’t just drop everything and make my way there.
Mom: When did you move so far away?
Me: 1990
August 28, 2025 at 4:05 AM
Today’s episode:
Mom: I need you to come over.
Me: I’m 4.5 hours away. I can’t just drop everything and make my way there.
Mom: When did you move so far away?
Me: 1990
Mom: I need you to come over.
Me: I’m 4.5 hours away. I can’t just drop everything and make my way there.
Mom: When did you move so far away?
Me: 1990
Latest and Greatest:
Mom: I had egg salad for lunch.
Me: Did you make it or buy it?
Mom: Make or buy what?
Me: The egg salad.
Mom: What egg salad?
Dad: Ignore her. She ate a turkey club sandwich with chips.
Mom: I heard that. What did I eat?
Me: Pizza
Mom: That’s right!
Mom: I had egg salad for lunch.
Me: Did you make it or buy it?
Mom: Make or buy what?
Me: The egg salad.
Mom: What egg salad?
Dad: Ignore her. She ate a turkey club sandwich with chips.
Mom: I heard that. What did I eat?
Me: Pizza
Mom: That’s right!
August 15, 2025 at 2:40 AM
Latest and Greatest:
Mom: I had egg salad for lunch.
Me: Did you make it or buy it?
Mom: Make or buy what?
Me: The egg salad.
Mom: What egg salad?
Dad: Ignore her. She ate a turkey club sandwich with chips.
Mom: I heard that. What did I eat?
Me: Pizza
Mom: That’s right!
Mom: I had egg salad for lunch.
Me: Did you make it or buy it?
Mom: Make or buy what?
Me: The egg salad.
Mom: What egg salad?
Dad: Ignore her. She ate a turkey club sandwich with chips.
Mom: I heard that. What did I eat?
Me: Pizza
Mom: That’s right!
Mom is on a roll. According to her:
“Women who let their grey hair show are not ladylike. Dyeing the hair shows that you care about your appearance and makes you look younger to keep your husband happy.”
This from the woman who stopped dyeing her hair in 1998. I have photos.
“Women who let their grey hair show are not ladylike. Dyeing the hair shows that you care about your appearance and makes you look younger to keep your husband happy.”
This from the woman who stopped dyeing her hair in 1998. I have photos.
August 6, 2025 at 3:08 AM
Mom is on a roll. According to her:
“Women who let their grey hair show are not ladylike. Dyeing the hair shows that you care about your appearance and makes you look younger to keep your husband happy.”
This from the woman who stopped dyeing her hair in 1998. I have photos.
“Women who let their grey hair show are not ladylike. Dyeing the hair shows that you care about your appearance and makes you look younger to keep your husband happy.”
This from the woman who stopped dyeing her hair in 1998. I have photos.
Stupid thing of the day:
Mom: I need to sit down so I can hear you better.
Sis2: What are you talking about?
Mom: I have no idea what you just said.
Dad: Just stop. She can’t hear you when she’s standing.
Mom: I need to sit down so I can hear you better.
Sis2: What are you talking about?
Mom: I have no idea what you just said.
Dad: Just stop. She can’t hear you when she’s standing.
August 5, 2025 at 1:59 AM
Stupid thing of the day:
Mom: I need to sit down so I can hear you better.
Sis2: What are you talking about?
Mom: I have no idea what you just said.
Dad: Just stop. She can’t hear you when she’s standing.
Mom: I need to sit down so I can hear you better.
Sis2: What are you talking about?
Mom: I have no idea what you just said.
Dad: Just stop. She can’t hear you when she’s standing.
I haven’t posted much as the parents are in assisted living and they are “too busy” to answer the phone.
I got this gem from Mom today.
“Did you know that chili actually tastes good? I love it!”
Dad called me later and told me she actually ate spaghetti and meatballs.
I got this gem from Mom today.
“Did you know that chili actually tastes good? I love it!”
Dad called me later and told me she actually ate spaghetti and meatballs.
August 4, 2025 at 3:40 AM
I haven’t posted much as the parents are in assisted living and they are “too busy” to answer the phone.
I got this gem from Mom today.
“Did you know that chili actually tastes good? I love it!”
Dad called me later and told me she actually ate spaghetti and meatballs.
I got this gem from Mom today.
“Did you know that chili actually tastes good? I love it!”
Dad called me later and told me she actually ate spaghetti and meatballs.
Mom: I can’t see your hernia.
Me: Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Bro2: Exactly what my best friend said to his wife.
Sis2: Ewwww.
Mom: I don’t get it.
Bro2: You obviously did at some point as my siblings are the evidence.
Mom: I still don’t get it.
Me: Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Bro2: Exactly what my best friend said to his wife.
Sis2: Ewwww.
Mom: I don’t get it.
Bro2: You obviously did at some point as my siblings are the evidence.
Mom: I still don’t get it.
July 16, 2025 at 1:49 AM
Mom: I can’t see your hernia.
Me: Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Bro2: Exactly what my best friend said to his wife.
Sis2: Ewwww.
Mom: I don’t get it.
Bro2: You obviously did at some point as my siblings are the evidence.
Mom: I still don’t get it.
Me: Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Bro2: Exactly what my best friend said to his wife.
Sis2: Ewwww.
Mom: I don’t get it.
Bro2: You obviously did at some point as my siblings are the evidence.
Mom: I still don’t get it.
Dad: So when is your hernia surgery?
Me: September.
Dad: Your mother will worry everyday that it won’t get worse.
Me: Want me to make a meme of it so Mom will laugh?
Dad: No. She doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Me: Sorry. I forgot.
Me: September.
Dad: Your mother will worry everyday that it won’t get worse.
Me: Want me to make a meme of it so Mom will laugh?
Dad: No. She doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Me: Sorry. I forgot.
July 15, 2025 at 1:38 AM
Dad: So when is your hernia surgery?
Me: September.
Dad: Your mother will worry everyday that it won’t get worse.
Me: Want me to make a meme of it so Mom will laugh?
Dad: No. She doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Me: Sorry. I forgot.
Me: September.
Dad: Your mother will worry everyday that it won’t get worse.
Me: Want me to make a meme of it so Mom will laugh?
Dad: No. She doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Me: Sorry. I forgot.
Someone asked how old I am.
I am “I-used-to-cut-45s-off-the-back-of-cereal-boxes” old.
My favorite was “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archie’s.
I still have it.
I am “I-used-to-cut-45s-off-the-back-of-cereal-boxes” old.
My favorite was “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archie’s.
I still have it.
June 25, 2025 at 11:18 AM
Someone asked how old I am.
I am “I-used-to-cut-45s-off-the-back-of-cereal-boxes” old.
My favorite was “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archie’s.
I still have it.
I am “I-used-to-cut-45s-off-the-back-of-cereal-boxes” old.
My favorite was “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archie’s.
I still have it.
Got a phone call:
Dad: I need you to clean out the condo. I want to sell it.
Me: Ok. I’ll call everyone and we’ll get it done.
Dad: No. Just you do it. And it needs to be done by tomorrow.
Me: What the fuck? Are you drunk?
Dad: A little.
Dad: I need you to clean out the condo. I want to sell it.
Me: Ok. I’ll call everyone and we’ll get it done.
Dad: No. Just you do it. And it needs to be done by tomorrow.
Me: What the fuck? Are you drunk?
Dad: A little.
May 26, 2025 at 2:27 AM
Got a phone call:
Dad: I need you to clean out the condo. I want to sell it.
Me: Ok. I’ll call everyone and we’ll get it done.
Dad: No. Just you do it. And it needs to be done by tomorrow.
Me: What the fuck? Are you drunk?
Dad: A little.
Dad: I need you to clean out the condo. I want to sell it.
Me: Ok. I’ll call everyone and we’ll get it done.
Dad: No. Just you do it. And it needs to be done by tomorrow.
Me: What the fuck? Are you drunk?
Dad: A little.
They still say batshit crazy things, but I only know of them secondhand now since they are out of the condo.
Example: my mother told one of the other assisted living patients that if she had more God in her life, she wouldn’t be in a wheelchair.
Mom is nuts.
Example: my mother told one of the other assisted living patients that if she had more God in her life, she wouldn’t be in a wheelchair.
Mom is nuts.
May 19, 2025 at 12:26 PM
They still say batshit crazy things, but I only know of them secondhand now since they are out of the condo.
Example: my mother told one of the other assisted living patients that if she had more God in her life, she wouldn’t be in a wheelchair.
Mom is nuts.
Example: my mother told one of the other assisted living patients that if she had more God in her life, she wouldn’t be in a wheelchair.
Mom is nuts.
Parents have been in assisted living for 2 months. They still go over to their condo every Saturday to do laundry as they don’t trust the machines at their new place.
On the flip side, they are eating better. They are gaining weight and look healthier.
On the flip side, they are eating better. They are gaining weight and look healthier.
May 19, 2025 at 12:12 PM
Parents have been in assisted living for 2 months. They still go over to their condo every Saturday to do laundry as they don’t trust the machines at their new place.
On the flip side, they are eating better. They are gaining weight and look healthier.
On the flip side, they are eating better. They are gaining weight and look healthier.
My parents have moved into assisted living. I thought I wouldn’t hear batshit crazy things from them. I was wrong.
From yesterday’s phone call:
Mom: I need you to find my wedding dress and bring it to me. I miss it. I think I can still fit in it.
From yesterday’s phone call:
Mom: I need you to find my wedding dress and bring it to me. I miss it. I think I can still fit in it.
April 8, 2025 at 12:47 PM
My parents have moved into assisted living. I thought I wouldn’t hear batshit crazy things from them. I was wrong.
From yesterday’s phone call:
Mom: I need you to find my wedding dress and bring it to me. I miss it. I think I can still fit in it.
From yesterday’s phone call:
Mom: I need you to find my wedding dress and bring it to me. I miss it. I think I can still fit in it.
No Days Update
In-home care was canceled by my father.
Reason: He talked my mother into assisted living.
Hell has frozen over.
In-home care was canceled by my father.
Reason: He talked my mother into assisted living.
Hell has frozen over.
March 4, 2025 at 2:40 AM
No Days Update
In-home care was canceled by my father.
Reason: He talked my mother into assisted living.
Hell has frozen over.
In-home care was canceled by my father.
Reason: He talked my mother into assisted living.
Hell has frozen over.
No Days Update:
In-home care has been arranged. We will see how this goes. Dad believes they need to be in assisted living but Mom lashes out at the mere mention of it.
In-home care has been arranged. We will see how this goes. Dad believes they need to be in assisted living but Mom lashes out at the mere mention of it.
February 27, 2025 at 9:33 PM
No Days Update:
In-home care has been arranged. We will see how this goes. Dad believes they need to be in assisted living but Mom lashes out at the mere mention of it.
In-home care has been arranged. We will see how this goes. Dad believes they need to be in assisted living but Mom lashes out at the mere mention of it.
No Days Update:
Both are back home. They have agreed to have in-home care. Mom’s memory has deteriorated very quickly. She now has anger issues and sudden outbursts. Dad is on oxygen and more pills for infection and other ailments. I am now their caregiver.
Both are back home. They have agreed to have in-home care. Mom’s memory has deteriorated very quickly. She now has anger issues and sudden outbursts. Dad is on oxygen and more pills for infection and other ailments. I am now their caregiver.
February 25, 2025 at 2:44 AM
No Days Update:
Both are back home. They have agreed to have in-home care. Mom’s memory has deteriorated very quickly. She now has anger issues and sudden outbursts. Dad is on oxygen and more pills for infection and other ailments. I am now their caregiver.
Both are back home. They have agreed to have in-home care. Mom’s memory has deteriorated very quickly. She now has anger issues and sudden outbursts. Dad is on oxygen and more pills for infection and other ailments. I am now their caregiver.
No Days
Both parents are hospitalized. Mom is semi-lucid and severely dehydrated. Dad is in an induced coma and his kidneys are shutting down. Bro2 found them in bed when he went over for his daily check 4 days ago.
I only wish I could hear them banter again.
Both parents are hospitalized. Mom is semi-lucid and severely dehydrated. Dad is in an induced coma and his kidneys are shutting down. Bro2 found them in bed when he went over for his daily check 4 days ago.
I only wish I could hear them banter again.
February 17, 2025 at 2:46 AM
No Days
Both parents are hospitalized. Mom is semi-lucid and severely dehydrated. Dad is in an induced coma and his kidneys are shutting down. Bro2 found them in bed when he went over for his daily check 4 days ago.
I only wish I could hear them banter again.
Both parents are hospitalized. Mom is semi-lucid and severely dehydrated. Dad is in an induced coma and his kidneys are shutting down. Bro2 found them in bed when he went over for his daily check 4 days ago.
I only wish I could hear them banter again.