Dear #Elon,

A Nazi salute? Really? For someone who claims to be a genius, this is a historically illiterate low. Free speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences, and this isn’t edgy—it’s repugnant. Maybe focus on rockets, not rewriting humanity’s darkest chapters.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #Trump,

Congrats on turning internet jokes into a $58 billion meme fortune. Who knew the art of the deal now goes digital blockchain? Your talent for monetizing yourself is unmatched. Maybe mint some NFTs of the Constitution—before it’s just a memory to the American people.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #BishopBudde,

Your sermon urging Trump to show mercy to LGBTQ+ folks and immigrants? Chef’s kiss. His “Radical Left hater” tantrum proves you struck a nerve. Thanks for the reminder that empathy is leadership—too bad it’s not available on Truth Social for others to learn.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #SnoopDogg,

Performing at a Trump event? For someone who’s built a career on flipping the script, this feels like a remix no one asked for. Was the crowd disengaged, or just as confused as your fans? One thing’s for sure—Martha would never.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #UnitedStates,

You’re like a rusty theme park: overpriced, overcrowded, and broken. Healthcare? A luxury. College loans? The world’s most expensive souvenir. Freedom? Only if your wallet is stacked. You’re chaos wrapped in red, white, and broke. Everyone needs a refund stat!

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #Facebook,

Oh, so you’re giving up on fact-checking now? That’s cool; it’s not like misinformation was ever an issue—oh wait, it was a complete train wreck. I guess it’s easier to let the train derail than verify anything. Congrats on fully embracing the 2025 circus.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #CapitalOne,

What’s in our wallets? Apparently, less than we thought. First, you “forget” to mention higher-interest savings options, costing us billions. Then a glitch leaves people unpaid and angry. Plus, hijacking influencer commissions? Bold move for a trustworthy bank.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #VillagePeople,

The only reason we still remember you is for “Y.M.C.A.”, but let’s be real—did you really think performing for POTUS wouldn’t raise a few eyebrows? Guess we’re all in the mood for a little “Macho Man” when the checks clear and the grinder app breaks again.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #MelaniaTrump,

We see you—or actually, we don’t. A bold choice to hide in plain sight while pretending to care. But hey, the hat’s doing what you wish you could: blocking out your husband and the rest of the world. Stylish and strategic.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #Trump,

Congrats on the indoor inauguration—less grandeur but, more cozy rerun vibes. Am I right? You gave big promises, and bigger drama, all held within such little hands. Will this ‘golden age’ shine, or is it just tarnished fool’s gold? 2025 just got more interesting.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #HillaryClinton,

Don’t laugh. You know how the press loves to roast your cackle. Didn’t you learn? The cameras are on! But credit where it’s due: laughing at Trump renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America? Peak shade. Keep it classy, boss… or at least presidential.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #Biden,

Congratulations on your farewell speech and decorum. Your attempt to exit the stage before the band finished playing Star-Spangled Banner was a classic Biden move. Best to keep em guessing including you. I wish you all the best in your post presidential endeavors.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #BarronTrump,

Congrats on your dad’s second inauguration! Towering at 6’9” is a power move, but looking around during the prayer? Iconic. Nothing screams ‘I’d rather be anywhere else.’ Stay in college, and remember: nothing says paranoia quite like running in your family.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #MichelleObama,

Skipping Trump’s second inauguration? It’s clear you had priorities that didn’t involve the “Event of the year.” Honestly, we missed you. But, not as much as the right did, because they can’t stop talking about it. Stay thriving, stay missed, and just SLAY.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #Elon,

Congrats on becoming Trump’s puppet! It’s hard to tell where you end and he begins. Rebranding Twitter was meh, but merging egos? Remarkable. Your Mars obsession tracks. Earth’s wrecked, thanks to the rich. Save room on the rocket for your consequences to humanity.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #Florida,

Snow? Really? It looks like a “snowball’s chance in hell” is literally your reality. And the day after the inauguration? If that’s not a cosmic red flag, I don’t know what is. Better bundle up, Buttercup—hell didn’t just freeze over; it booked an extended vacation.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #Jan6 Protesters,

Congrats on the free pass! It must be nice to storm the Capitol, attack the police, and get off scot-free. I guess it’s fitting- felons pardon felons. After all, your guy’s got 34 counts and 0 time. I’d say, “Be good,” but we know that's not your skill set.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #WhiteSupremacists,

Was it booze or just a so-called “accident” that made you show up on MLK Day with your tiny-minded, little-penis worldview of hate? We’re here for wine and unity, not hate; your ridiculous attempts to stay relevant are embarrassing; you can't sit with us.

Sincerely,
Petty

Dear #TikTok,

So, the U.S. wants 50% of you now? Classic landlord vibes from the guy who tried to evict you. First, he’s throwing you out; now, he’s acting like he owed half your algorithm. This feels more Don Senior than Don Jr. Good luck surviving this "honest" joint venture.

Sincerely,
Petty