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planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times
@planetearthtimes.bsky.social
45 followers 2 following 74 posts
The Planet Earth Times brings you the times from the third planet from the Sun by MothmanShadow.com. You can allegedly trust the news.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Sep 2
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 2 SEPTEMBER 2025 TRUMP ANNOUNCES HIS RESURRECTION AFTER TWO DAYS, BEATING CHRIST'S RECORD Photo of Trump dressed as Jesus at a White House press conference "I am risen," announced Trump on Tuesday. "And not in the Gen Alpha sense, by the way— in the Jesus H. Christ kind of way. I resurrected in two days, two days, if you can believe it. Even Jesus H. couldn't do it that fast, he took three days. Three days! And I beat him. The son of God, and I beat him in a landslide. Comatose Christ is what they're calling him.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2025 ALL POMP, NO CIRCUMSTANCE PRESIDENT TRUMP AND SEC. HEGSETH SPEAK TO HUNDREDS Pete Hegseth hauled in the brass just to fat-shame them and critique their grooming. He pronounced the age of "flabby command" dead, with gym class now the highest form of patriotism. It was less strategy session, more pep rally with an alcoholic resting bitch faced dipshit.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
“My brother can beat up your brother! And your momma’s a cow!” Petey added.
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2025 PEDANTIC PETEY POLICES PLAYHOUSE Little Petey Hegseth has taken over the playhouse and is leaving his mark. During his mandatory meeting he announced some of the changes to his club. "No girls allowed!" he screeched shrilly. "No more fatsos or scary beards! Mac and cheese in the cafeteria EVERY. DAY. Root beer drinking fountains. And if you don't like it," he said, tears welling up in his lonely eyes, "you can leave!"
planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
“My brother can beat up your brother! And your momma’s a cow!” Petey added.
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2025 PEDANTIC PETEY POLICES PLAYHOUSE Little Petey Hegseth has taken over the playhouse and is leaving his mark. During his mandatory meeting he announced some of the changes to his club. "No girls allowed!" he screeched shrilly. "No more fatsos or scary beards! Mac and cheese in the cafeteria EVERY. DAY. Root beer drinking fountains. And if you don't like it," he said, tears welling up in his lonely eyes, "you can leave!"
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planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2025 "THIS BULLSHIT COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL I DELETED WITHOUT READING" "It's clear to me that Pete Hegseth has a micropenis," said one General who agreed to speak with anonimity. "He is one of the most insecure sons of bitches I've met, right next to Donald Trump. He projects all this stuff but he's just a dweeb with permanent whiskey dick and an unimpressed dad. I wish he'd sent this bullshit out in an email I could just delete and move on, but now I have a twelve hour flight to catch, goddammit. Fuck that guy."
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
When reached for comment on whether or not he had even played Halo 3, Whiskey Pete simply stated “Warrior ethos,” and hung up the phone.
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2025 VETERAN OF 'HALO WARS' LECTURES ON WARRIOR ETHOS "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!" shouted Whiskey Pete Hegseth, pounding the podium with both of his man baby fists before an unprecedented TED talk for Military Generals costing tax payers unknown hundreds of thousands of dollars. "We're bringing hazing back until there's no fat servicemen left! Warrior EEEETHOSSSSS!"
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planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 8d
When reached for comment on whether or not he had even played Halo 3, Whiskey Pete simply stated “Warrior ethos,” and hung up the phone.
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 30 SEPTEMBER 2025 VETERAN OF 'HALO WARS' LECTURES ON WARRIOR ETHOS "Blood alone moves the wheels of history!" shouted Whiskey Pete Hegseth, pounding the podium with both of his man baby fists before an unprecedented TED talk for Military Generals costing tax payers unknown hundreds of thousands of dollars. "We're bringing hazing back until there's no fat servicemen left! Warrior EEEETHOSSSSS!"
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Reposted by The Planet Earth Times
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Aug 28
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust THURSDAY, 28 AUGUST 2025 UNDETERRED BY CONSTANT PAGENTRY AND DISTRACTIONS, TRUMP REMAINS IN EPSTEIN FLES Despite Donald Trump's best and worst efforts to distract Americans with an onslaught of dictator bullshit and tiny penis syndrome, the fact that he is in the Epstein Files simply will not suicide itself from the nation's attention.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 11d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust SATURDAY, 27 SEPTEMBER 2025 "IT'S ONLY DEATH," SHRUGS BIBI "I don't understand the resistance to assist Israel with the decimation of Gaza," Prime Minister Netanyahu said to an empty hall of the United Nations. "It's only death," he shrugged.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 11d
“As Thiel lectures Christians about the anti-Christ, remember he is at best okay with child sex traffickers, and at worst also a fucking pedophile.”
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust SATURDAY, 27 SEPTEMBER 2025 THE SHITTIEST PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE SHITTIER THAN YOU THOUGHT In an unsurprising turn of events, the shittiest public figures you know are even shittier: Steve Bannon and the Pay Pal Mafia consisting of Peter Thiel and Elon Musk, were named in the files of convicted pedophile Jeffery Epstein's as having meetings with him or traveling to his pedophile island. Thiel continued to meet with Epstein after his child sex conviction. As Thiel lectures Christians about the anti-Christ, remember he is at best okay with child sex traffickers, and at worst also a fucking pedophile.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 12d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust FRIDAY, 26 SEPTEMBER 2025 BLOODTHIRSTY BIBI BITCHES AT EMPTY HALL When Israeli prime minister stood at the podium to speak, most delegate attendees of the United Nations rose to their feet and headed to lunch early. He then bitched to an empty hall about being abandoned in his genocide of Palestinians in Gaza.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Jun 9
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust FRIDAY, MAY 2025 WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCES INCREASE TO PRICE OF FREE SPEECH
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 16d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust MONDAY, 22 SEPTEMBER 2025 RFK JR BRINGS THE ILLNESS AND DR. OZ CONVENIENTLY BRINGS CURE The worm inside RFK Jr. brain baselessly announced today that Tylenol in pregnancy causes autism. Next he will announce that folinic acid is the cure. Conveniently, Dr. Oz (not a real doctor, but he plays one on TV) owns a supplement company iHerb which sells just that! How auspicious!
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 16d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust MONDAY, 22 SEPTEMBER 2025 HONEY GLAZED TRUMP STRUTS HIS GREASY STUFF Dripping with honey glaze, the boneless, spineless, dickless Trump hams for the cameras as he peddles his sob stories to the press. The bullshit was lapped eagerly from his sticky taint by the usual suspects of his favorite haunt.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 20d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust THURSDAY, 18 SEPTEMBER 2025 TRUMP EATS NOODLES Notorious glutton, Trump eagerly slurps as many noodles into his gullet as he can. "Mmmh mrfbgm hmmm gurrr," he remarked, desperately grabbing a zealous forkful to shovel in while noodles still hung from his mouth like a FOX News correspondent eager to lap up whatever spittle falls out. Slurping and sucking, the disgusting pig cast a shadow over the hall as attendees realized this meal was not fit for their king.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · 24d
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust SUNDAY, 14 SEPTEMBER 2025 BRIAN KILMEADE APOLOGIZES FOR THE QUIET PART On Sunday, Brian Kilmeade issued his half-hearted apology for suggesting that all homeless be euthanized. "I apologize for saying the quiet part. For a moment there I thought I was on 4chan where the quiet part is yelled through a bullhorn. That was my mistake that you had to hear how I dehumanize my unhoused brothers and sisters. I will try to use my Facebook voice next time."
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Sep 3
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 2 SEPTEMBER 2025 MOTHMANSHADOW.COM FOR THE 226TH DAY IN A ROW WHITE HOUSE TOSSES OUT WRONG GARBAGE A mysterious arm appeared from an upper window of the White House and tossed garbage onto the White House lawn. Keen observes quickly identified the garbage as not being that which really must be tossed out.
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planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Sep 2
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 2 SEPTEMBER 2025 TRUMP ANNOUNCES HIS RESURRECTION AFTER TWO DAYS, BEATING CHRIST'S RECORD Photo of Trump dressed as Jesus at a White House press conference "I am risen," announced Trump on Tuesday. "And not in the Gen Alpha sense, by the way— in the Jesus H. Christ kind of way. I resurrected in two days, two days, if you can believe it. Even Jesus H. couldn't do it that fast, he took three days. Three days! And I beat him. The son of God, and I beat him in a landslide. Comatose Christ is what they're calling him.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Sep 2
“Some of us also have IBS, incontinence, and familial relationships built solely around compliance for access to inheritance.”
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust TUESDAY, 2 SEPTEMBER 2025 TRUMP'S BODY DOUBLE ANNOUNCES NEW TRUMP BODY DOUBLE TRADING CARDS Photo of a guy who almost looks like Trump "I can't do the weave, and I forgot my hairpiece, but guys - these trading cards are hot," said a Trump body double with a thick Southern accent. "Most of us nearly resemble America's most beloved and most orange president. See if you can spot us covering for him in public with the new trading cards!"
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JΛKΣ✌️ @mothmanshadow.com · Aug 31
When the Kentucky fried heart finally stops and the ketchup no longer flows through Trump’s drive-thru veins, I hope Barack Hussein Obama publicly demands to see his death certificate
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Aug 30
Fast-acting ivermectin and some roadkill bear jerky and he’s right as tears in rain.
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust SATURDAY, 30 AUGUST 2025 HE'S FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE. FUCK. photo of Trump leaving in motorcade to golf "I had the sniffles, so what? I'm allowed to be sick. I'm the President — can you believe this? Of the United States —the best states, best anyone has seen, so they tell me— of America. RFK Jr. brought me some fast-acting Ivermectin and now if you'll excuse me l've got a tee time"
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Aug 28
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust THURSDAY, 28 AUGUST 2025 UNDETERRED BY CONSTANT PAGENTRY AND DISTRACTIONS, TRUMP REMAINS IN EPSTEIN FLES Despite Donald Trump's best and worst efforts to distract Americans with an onslaught of dictator bullshit and tiny penis syndrome, the fact that he is in the Epstein Files simply will not suicide itself from the nation's attention.
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planetearthtimes.bsky.social
The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Aug 16
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust FRIDAY, 15 AUGUST 2025 SURPRISE! TRUMP CHICKENS OUT AGAIN Photo: Dictator Vladamir Putin and Dick Taster Donald Trump President Donald Trump, ever the bloated bloviating sack of shit, strikes out during peace talks with Dictator Vladimir Putin. Trump didn't even go down swinging, he just stood there slack-jawed and puerile, filling his Depends™️to the brim.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Aug 6
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust BREAKING NEWS TUESDAY, 5 AUG 2025 'Big Balls' Learns Fucking Over Innocent People Hits Different When It's You Teen DOGE protege and current 'senior' adviser at the State Department and Department of Homeland Security, Edward ‘Big Balls'Coristine fucked around and eventually found out that fucking over innocent people hits differently when it's you. Getting the shit kicked out of you by thugs always sucks, whether they are carjackers or tech bros stealing your tax data for the creation of a surveillance state.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Aug 1
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust THURSDAY, 31 JULY 2025 "HEEERE'S DONNY!" Photo of the dumbest fuck to enter the White House, leaning on a door frame. "Heeere's Donny!" wheezed Donald 'Dipshit' Trump at an unsuspecting group of elementary school kids on a tour of the White House. His gingivitis breath lingered over the terrified tour group in an ominous haze, causing many children to cough, cry, or faint. "Want to see my gold toilet? We have the best gold toilets. I'm the only president, by the way, to have gold toilets at the White House. I call it "The Gold House', it sounds better that way," he weaved into nonsensical dribble which proved to be the first of many tirades about Obama.
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The Planet Earth Times @planetearthtimes.bsky.social · Jul 28
THE PLANET EARTH TIMES Alleged News You Can Trust FRIDAY, 27 JULY 2025 CRESTFALLEN Photo: Trump with bad combover Despite both his best and most desperate efforts, Democrats, Republicans, and even MAGAts refuse to move on from the Epstein Files, of which Trump reportedly makes frequent appearances.
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