Telling the cop who pulled me over that I had 8 IPAs tonight but leaving out the part where they were non-alcoholic

That dude is safer in prison than he is on the streets and he’s been stabbed twice in prison

I love getting random compliments from strangers. Was having a rough day at work and at the end of my shift some sweet old lady outside stopped me and said, “your tits are awesome never kill yourself”

I am the manager

What a joy that game was to watch. “Have they won a trophy” banter can’t stop my love of this team.