So one of the things that I most regret is that I never really got to live out that Hollywood lifestyle and make a lot of documentaries about stuff. Like, I was in that documentary Home Alone you know. That was fun. It was an after school special I think. Something about latch key kids. Remember them? I don’t but apparently they were a thing back then when I was in that.

Parody of "White Flag" by Dido I know you think I was on that plane,But I’ve told the world again and again.Those flight logs are just a hoax,I was golfing, folks — that’s no joke. And though the cameras caught my face,I’ll just shout “deep state!” to save my base.The lies are bigger than the facts,

You know, a lot of people are saying it. Bigly people, Smart people, the Best people. They’re saying, Hey, you might actually be the guy from the Bible, that guy, the Antichrist! And I say, well, if I am, I must be the greatest Antichrist in the history of Antichrists. Much better than that sleepy devil with the pitchfork. Nobody ever talks about him anymore.

Secret Asset Man(Parody of “Secret Agent Man”) There’s a man who tweets his stories,Every night and every day.He’ll confuse you with his glory,Then deny it all away! Secret Asset Man, Secret Asset Man,They’ve given you a codename,And taken your brain away! He was Epstein’s undercover,On that jet he swears he missed.Wrote reports to Vlad and others,

I really love that GOP guy in the congress.  That leader guy.  You know, Don Johnson. He was great when he like was the FREELY AND FAIRLY ELECTED representative of Miami Vice and He was great in the documentary that I watched over labor day when I disappeared for like a week or something.  It was called A Boy and His Dog.

Sung to the tune of "Land of Confusion" by the Genesis Verse 1I must’ve scrolled a thousand tweets,Echoes of rage on late-night feeds.I thought I heard the truth last week,But it was just replay of a rally speech. ChorusThis is the land of delusion,Where facts are drowned in confusion.No hope or honest solution,

You know what I love or at least barely tolerate?  The flag of the america.  Really I am the least patriotic guy I know, other than maybe that Eggs Benedict.  But my base, you know, they are a bunch of flag whackos.  I think that they would hug the flag or maybe kiss it, give it a little tongue. So hot.

So all the press lately has been on my TRUTHS and TWATS that I spend days crafting into perfect little bits of what I am thinking. Very digestible, these bits of what I am thinking. Luckily, Not a lot of mentions of my very successful and history making summit with my pal Vladimir though. It was history making because I was actually invited onto Russian soil to have this massively successful summit where much got accomplished.

You know what I don’t want to see? Homeless people being homeless on the way to my many, many golf outings that cost the taxpayers like 1.5 million dollars per trip. That is like 80K per hole! Amazing! I wish my clubs would really bring in these dollars for real, then I could probably retire for a change. But I am pretty sure that like all my endeavors, the golf clubs are probably losing money unless I golf there and keep them afloat with fat government money.

You know, at my heart, I’m a builder. Like, real estate is my passion. Building stuff. That is what I was groomed for by my daddy. Donny he always said, that is what he called me, Donny. Donny, if you ain’t building you are wasting my time and yours is what he told me. So I pretty much feel like this whole job of being President of the america is pretty much a big old waste of time.

Can you believe it? I can’t! The real perpetrator, or “perp” as I hear it called by the TV People was Obiden all along! It’s totally unbelievable! Turns out that nasty ex-lesser president, Obiden was the real Kasnov all along and not me! He was the Russian agent that was being handled by that hurtful and not at all cooperative Putin!

So the latest lib-o-crat propaganda is that I draw naughty pictures of women which is outrageous because I totally respect women. Nobody respects them more. I’ve been sued in civil and criminal courts because of how deeply I respect them. That’s just how much respect we’re talking about.  Now, about this naughty picture allegedly drawn by me back in 2003 for my former-former-former best friend Jeffery.  

People just give me gifts all the time. I must be one of those kinds of people. You know. Lucky I guess. That’s it! I am a very lucky guy. Like when that whole Epstein list went missing. That is how lucky I am. Anyway, people just give me things all the time and I just put them in my pocket.

(To the tune of “Blame Canada”) Times have changed, our leaders have gone cold,They shred the Constitution, just to pander and to scold. Should we blame Donald Trump?Or those GOP thugs?Or all the crazy rants they air on FOX & Friends with mugs? No!Blame Biden! Blame Biden!With his beady little eyes,And his whisper-voice of lies.

Everyone is talking about me being mean to the illegals immigrants.  All the time.  I’m tired of all this criticism.  I’m only doing what the people, me, want you know.  Nothing less!  But I’m trying hard not to be mean.  You know like I think I might have stopped deporting people to the Gulf of the America.  Turns out there are a lot of people out there like boating or something and you just can’t like push people out of airplanes because of cell phones now. 

You know, as a perfect male specimen—Tall, virile, big boned, blonde, virile, straight and virile I have a vested interest in the entire female body.  Straight men and women (maybe bi is okay, not sure?) need to be making babies to fuel this great nation of ours, the america.  Right now we have huge baby making problems and I am pretty sure that Cancer Joe is at fault! 

My dreams have come true! I am a war time president! The best war time president. You know. Better than that other guy. You know the crippled one? That guy. I am not even crippled! That automatically makes me better! My most perfect uncrippled body. All the doctors say so. So I pushed the button, finally. I got to push the button right next to my diet coke button on my desk!

One of my biggest regrets is that I was not able to conduct any wars. You know. Be a great war leader like those in the old days. Like Jefferson “Garfield” Davis, like he was a great wartime leader and President. I’m sure there are others, but the people in the america. They don’t want wars anymore. Don’t have the taste for it.

You know, I am the most peaceful guy ever.  Like even the most peaceful President ever.  That is why I get so angry all the time!  Like these wars I promised to end.  They just keep dragging on.  Forever.  Why can’t I stop them?  Am I just not good looking enough to end them?  I mean the whole Russia Ukraine thing that I was going to end even before I became President. 

All I want to do is make the america great again. It’s a simple goal. Not complicated. Take the america, which is clearly not great (thank you, Sleepy Cancer Joe), and then make it great. How? Easy. I bypass Congress and the Gordita Supreme, cancel DEI, deport some people, and maybe ignore a few laws, nothing major. Totally presidential.  But then, the protestors show up.

I keep hearing about this hoopla over there in leftyland. You know leftyland with that Gavel Newsome guy that I hate but my Melonia seems to be infatuated with. You know. That state. Anyway looks like my secret police, ICE (coolest name ever) went to deport some illegals immigrants or maybe even citizens who disagree with me over there and like somehow my masked and totally anonymous secret police were ambushed by insurrenctionsus!

You know, I have the best appointees.  The very best.  I only want the best.  But not too much the best.  I can’t have anyone of them shine brighter than me.  That would just be bad and sad.  I need to be the first best.  Everyone else can be second or third best.  You know, second place is just first loser. 

OH!  I hate that Leon Musk so much! I used to love him, not I hate him! Why is friendship so hard?  You know, he is an illegals immigrant.  Just how the hell did he get access to me and the old and smelly white house?  This is an outrage!  I’m going to find out about this breach of security.  I’ll get names! 

You know, ever since I was a little lad I have always been really unsecure.  DON’T LAUGH.  Like, I always felt that I wasn’t good enough for my dad or brother or anyone.  That is why I have to hide my very small hands and feet all of the time.  I’m very unsecure about them, being so small.  You know the old saying about feet is right, you know. 

You know. A lot of my problems are from that Cancer Joe Biden. All my problems. He is actively trying to ruin my very beautiful and successful 47st Presidency. You know, it was already super successful but imagine how much more successful if that Steeling Joe Biden didn’t steel that election from me. You know it was steeling right? I think we are pretty much on the same page about it being steeling from me.