Bro if that’s your girl why is she rendering unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s

there’s this queer who cuts hair on my reels and in a consultation the client was like ‘oh all my hairdressers have said how beautiful my long hair was and I should never cut it’ and they said ‘I’ll shave your head, I don’t care’ and anyway that’s the oddest thing that has turned me on recently

why do people not shut the fuck up in audition rooms

no i can’t hear It’s Time by Imagine Dragons in this crêperie, my psoas nerve is going to eject

farewell and adieu to you Spanish onions
farewell and adieu to you onions of Spain

guess who’s got two thumbs and is the one true prophet

Superpower: can feel guilty about anything, somebody broke into my car tonight and I’m composing elaborate apologies

menstrual drugs that are marketed like men’s deodorant, all hammers and rustic and sexy, and also with a high enough dosage to improve the mood of a large quarter horse

the devil made microwave ramen, and god stood, aquiver, knowing she had no adequate reply