What has moved a furious Elon Musk to attack and destroy own high tech cyber suits? Journalist sensationally claims billionaire's new cybernetic exoskeletons, which promised wearers ability to experience ecstasy of mind-blowing cyber sex couplings - but only for heterosexuals - have been hacked to allow other, non-binary sexual identities to be created and experienced!

Is heaven too woke? Amid fears that Donald Trump will be barred from liberal heaven due to his conservative views, top Republican slams world's religions for being too woke, too concerned with liberal values, equal rights and being nice to other people. Proposes takeover of major religions to facilitate reworking of heaven for the ordinary guy - paradise with guns, booze and broads on demand.

As effluent rains down out of nowhere inside Briton's houses, top scientist theorises such attacks could be retaliation by dwelllers in parallel universe for secret experiments in our universe to revolutionise waste disposal by creating a 'Pan Dimensional Poop Chute' which allows us to take a dump in another dimension. Could a cross-dimensional crap throwing war be on verge of erupting?

Think-tank proposes radical solution to threat posed by rise of extremist parties at the UK polls - the creation of a shadow, virtual electoral system for their votes, complete with virtual parliament and government. MPs elected under 'shadow' election to be placed in virtual political environment where they can enact policies as extreme as they like, without endangering real world. Subverting democracy or saving democracy?

Vincent Price and Peter Lorre crawl out from their catacombs to disinter a trio of sleazy scary stories from the musty archives of 'The Sleaze'.  Put on your 'ear goggles' and join them to listen to three tales from the seamier side of horror. trilogy of sleazy scary stories that will make you shiver with fear and revulsion!

Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time he looks into a case of 'Halloween Pumpkin Peril'. Has drunken oral sex with a carved pumpkin resulted in persecution by a pumpkin hurling evil spirit? As victim felled by pumpkin to the groin, the Rev investigates.

Is the right's opposition to Online Safety Act really based upon their fears that data leaks in age verification systems could expose their use of extreme Nazi-themed porn sites, rather than their avowed claims that it threatens free speech? New theory advanced by notorious left wing commentator triggers outrage amongst Reform UK and Tommy Robinson supporters.

Top intelligence expert claim swarms of Russian drones invading NATO airspace are here to spy on Western women in hope of snatching illicit nude shots through bedroom and bathroom windows. Makes extraordinary claim that thanks to Ukraine war and sanctions, Moscow is currently suffering a severe pornography shortage. Fresh female nudity desperately needed to relieve deprived troops on front line.

As ghost of slain right-wing agitator Charlie Kirk prepares to present first posthumous podcast via Ouija board, speculation mounts as to whether he is suitable candidate for sainthood. MAGA faithful fervently search for evidence of miracles performed by Kirk's spirit despite mooted miraculous gay and trans 'conversions debunked as hoaxes. Will Charlie Kirk become Church of MAGA's first saint - the patron saint of hate and bigotry?

Drive-by shootings by double decker buses! Top TV producer unveils controversial plans to update classic UK TV sitcom 'On the Buses', portraying original characters as drug dealers dispensing cocaine from the top deck! Scripts feature shootings, gang warfare and drug driving of buses - all played for laughs in what is described as a dark comedy for contemporary Britain.

Retired top stench packer sensationally reveals battle to remove the stench of Trump from White House at end of first term, before Biden could move in. Describes challenge of removing stench so toxic it stained the walls of the Oval Office and threatened the health of the stench packers dealing with it. Claims that Trump stench so poisonous that, once packed, it has had to be stored in top secret secure underground nuclear waste facility.

Is the government planning to monitor heterosexual men's sexual fantasies for illegal acts? Are you about to face prosecution for school uniform fantasies? Extraordinary claims of top British influencer who also complains that modern masculinity being undermined as men can no longer be sure that the models they see on porn sites are really women, not just transsexuals or transvestites who will ruin their sexual daydreams.

Do animals actually like being eaten by humans? Uproar as top TV naturalist claims animals see humans as deities requiring blood sacrifices, so willingly go to the slaughterhouse. Condemns vegans and vegetarians for attempting to deny animals their right to be eaten by a superior species, asserts that meat-eating is the source of all human intelligence and civilisation.

Is the Labour government planning to house asylum seekers and immigrants arriving on small boats in our garden sheds and closets? Do human rights laws mean we can't stop them from eating our pets and performing human sacrifices because they are part of their culture and therefore protected? Bizarre claims of Reform MP strike chord with many supporters as his meteoric rise in popularity has Nigel Farage fearing for his job!

Was Jeffrey Epstein merely a media construct created by the left to try and discredit Trump? As picture emerges of Trump apparently jumping out of a cake at Epstein birthday party, president's supporters go into full denial mode, declaring that there was no Epstein, therefore no list and no Epstein island. But will shouting 'fake news' placate Trump's followers?

Is AI all a scam? Whistle blower blows lid off of AI industry as he reveals it is really just thousands of low paid workers in 'digital sweat shops' using conventional web searches to provide users with responses. Except for Grok, which is really just Elon Musk responding to queries. Tech experts dismiss claims that industry giants might be exploiting overseas workers with poor pay and conditions, branding them 'ridiculous'.

Top conspiracy theorist proposes 'Unified Conspiracy Theory' which will incorporate and reconcile all other conspiracy theories, explaining them all. Welcomed in some conspiracy circles as way of regulating the conspiracy community and reducing occurrences of 'rogue' conspiracies that bring whole community into disrepute, but condemned by others who suspect it is itself an authoritarian conspiracy designed to control the conspiracy narrative and suppress the truth.

British press left aghast by idea that horrendous crime not committed by a Muslim immigrant, but instead by middle class, white, British ex-serviceman. We ask, is UK's right-wing press incapable of viewing crime and criminals through anything other than the lens of class and race? Should British crimes be reserved for British criminals only?

Has the Second Coming finally arrived? 'Transactional Jesus' announces arrival via popular podcast, performs miracles for cash and heals on health insurance. Claims he is bound to follow prevailing trends of modern society and needs to finance his church. New Messiah courts controversy with sponsorship deals including endorsing new crypto currency as Trump tries to take credit for Second Coming occurring in US.

Customers report increasing number of bizarre attacks while shopping at supermarkets. Many claim to have been pursued by fruit and vegetable wielding mobs or been beaten with prime cuts of meat. are these incidents the result of secret government mind control experiments or are they being orchestrated by sinister consumer cult out to make human sacrifices to ensure better bargains?