more of a high right now. when I wake up surely. this is crazy. I'm thinking of going to Sweden next year. that is really crazy.

here. and without a job I'm just. I wouldn't be the breadwinner so it would be up to them and you can't ask them to move from their country if you can't provide for them. so. I wouldn't move without being sure anyway. I'm getting ahead of myself. really really ahead of myself. I wish I had a bit

getting closer. I just really want to be better friends first. I don't want to rush into it and spoil it or it not be right. I want to know. I think I'd be prepared to move if it meant being with my best friend. and maybe that could be him. we will see. I'm realising how little ties I really have

didn't even have to consider my fat-ness. let alone him considering my fat-ness. he joked about taking me on holiday. idk how to feel. it's all very confusing. and up in the air and new. and I don't think he will push for anything. but I'm surprised he did this so soon really. I guess we have been

normally. so now he knows that at least. because if he doesn't find fat people attractive then I'll know since he can back off safely without directly offending me or saying anything. so I guess it's good I did it this way. and if he is open to it then at least he has a warning. hhhh. I wish I

our people pleasing tendencies. and after we spoke about how we felt I made a joke insinuating I was fat but he didn't pick up on and asked about our mutual friend joking that I was fat and I explained what happened and that I am fat but wasn't offended cos he wouldn't know that. and he responded

it being ok I "lie" when asked how I am and that he understands why and that he is here if I do wanna say how I'm really feeling. and then also that if I need to cancel it's ok. and this was like unprompted and he was just being sweet. he's just really nice. we spoke about anxious attachment. and

to both and so I guess we know we both like eachother now. I do feel excited but my head hurts so bad I don't have the energy lol. and I wish he hadn't brought it up so soon but maybe his drunkenness did that. and I can see why he'd wanna clarify. he was really sweet earlier reassuring me about

flirting to him before) and later he asked if I was flirting with him and what it meant and I took a moment to reply and he said maybe I shouldn't open Pandora's box and I said you've done it now soooo then I said I don't know you enough to know but I don't usually flirt with people and he said same

omg I've missed being around you so much and it just confuses me. I don't get it. and I can't even trust myself that I'm in the wrong. maybe I'm just making myself the victim. I don't know

replied "ok sorry" because if I try stick up for myself a will say we're arguing. well at least I tried to stick up for myself lol. I feel so pathetic like they're talking to me like I'm stupid. sometimes it feels like they don't even like me and then when I see them in person they'll be like

screenshots and was like "I'm not sure where you think I live" which felt so fucking patronising so I said that they sounded patronising when I already said I was wrong :( and they said "I wasn't being patronising omg." like I just went to your house on Sunday I know where it is. but thanks. I just

like I've been hassling them about him or complaining. and then they spoke about weekend plans and I said it might be easier for them to collect us than drop us off because then they won't make two trips and they said it didn't make sense so I took it back saying I was wrong and then they sent

just want him really bad.

and now I'm just. I felt like killing myself this morning and now I'm over the moon lol. I feel like I'm falling for him which feels crazy to say. I still don't know him enough but every time I learn more it's always good things. he's so lovely. and funny and smart and he's such a smart ass and I

my cheeks are so red from blushing and being flustered and I flirted back a lot and omg. I've never been this flirty with anyone before!! and he's so lovely. and his voice is the best. I want him so bad lmao. and he lingered after we finished gaming. and when we hung up he texted that he missed me.

thanks body. thanks brain. thanks me. I have so much I need to do.

and shouldn't isolate myself but I just feel so alone and like what's the point. I'm so embarrassing. can't stop crying it's not good. I already had my period so this isn't even pms. maybe I need more medication. or a lobotomy. that would be nice. I got like 5 hours sleep again or something.

idk man I'll just leave it. we are meant to be going to the garden centre on Saturday which we do annually and honestly I'm not looking forward to it. I thought b was coming back to ours after but apparently they want us to go there and I just want to sleep in my own bed. I know I'm not doing well