Rougher seas. Bigger boat though.
@rougherseas.bsky.social
Working my way through a lifetime of CPTSD and trying to get to the other side.
Compassionate toward the vulnerable, skeptical of the powerful, clever and trickster-aligned, freedom-loving, resourceful, humorous, and allergic to rigid authority.
Compassionate toward the vulnerable, skeptical of the powerful, clever and trickster-aligned, freedom-loving, resourceful, humorous, and allergic to rigid authority.
My relationship guilt is from a nervous system that learnt that connection is only maintained by MY self sacrifice. Faaaark.
January 16, 2026 at 12:56 PM
My relationship guilt is from a nervous system that learnt that connection is only maintained by MY self sacrifice. Faaaark.
It's fucking AMAZING in the worst way when flashbacks will slam into you and deregulate everything in a split second. I can do well all day, feel collected and comfortable and WHAM a big pile of shitty reactions drops on me. To be fair it's because my job is the most toxic environment ever.
January 13, 2026 at 10:16 PM
It's fucking AMAZING in the worst way when flashbacks will slam into you and deregulate everything in a split second. I can do well all day, feel collected and comfortable and WHAM a big pile of shitty reactions drops on me. To be fair it's because my job is the most toxic environment ever.
Oobleck and emotional reactions
and 'Do it now' vs 'When you are ready for it (and what's the criteria for 'ready' because vague emotional states ARE SOMETHING I HAVE TROUBLE PARSING)
and 'Do it now' vs 'When you are ready for it (and what's the criteria for 'ready' because vague emotional states ARE SOMETHING I HAVE TROUBLE PARSING)
January 13, 2026 at 1:13 PM
Oobleck and emotional reactions
and 'Do it now' vs 'When you are ready for it (and what's the criteria for 'ready' because vague emotional states ARE SOMETHING I HAVE TROUBLE PARSING)
and 'Do it now' vs 'When you are ready for it (and what's the criteria for 'ready' because vague emotional states ARE SOMETHING I HAVE TROUBLE PARSING)
Understanding of concepts like emotional regulation, mind body connection, nervous system overload I 'grasp' quickly but it feels disconnected from me; like the concept and I are in the same room, a huge pane of thick glass separating us. Eventually something happens to shatter that glass.
January 11, 2026 at 2:51 PM
Understanding of concepts like emotional regulation, mind body connection, nervous system overload I 'grasp' quickly but it feels disconnected from me; like the concept and I are in the same room, a huge pane of thick glass separating us. Eventually something happens to shatter that glass.
One of the ways dissociation shows up for me is that I totally forgot how to move my body. All my movements have the feel of an inexperienced driver of some fantastically complex machinery just brute forcing everything, resulting in me jerking, manic, too fast and unco movements. Yoga has helped!
January 11, 2026 at 2:49 PM
One of the ways dissociation shows up for me is that I totally forgot how to move my body. All my movements have the feel of an inexperienced driver of some fantastically complex machinery just brute forcing everything, resulting in me jerking, manic, too fast and unco movements. Yoga has helped!
Listened to a great podcast, Gay Men Going Deeper, on the topics of standards vs boundaries in dating and relationships. Really clarified a few things for me around standards as needs, boundaries as filters. Made me think deeply on what I NEED from a relationship and how I keep to my boundaries.
January 10, 2026 at 3:27 PM
Listened to a great podcast, Gay Men Going Deeper, on the topics of standards vs boundaries in dating and relationships. Really clarified a few things for me around standards as needs, boundaries as filters. Made me think deeply on what I NEED from a relationship and how I keep to my boundaries.
It's been a good day; my nervous system is at low ebb and my body is slower and calmer.
January 8, 2026 at 11:01 PM
It's been a good day; my nervous system is at low ebb and my body is slower and calmer.
It's only something I realized recently, shame and shyness often hide in vague feelings.
Those feelings that encourage looking away, don't investigate, just feel bad and never examine this feeling.
Those feelings that encourage looking away, don't investigate, just feel bad and never examine this feeling.
January 5, 2026 at 8:09 PM
It's only something I realized recently, shame and shyness often hide in vague feelings.
Those feelings that encourage looking away, don't investigate, just feel bad and never examine this feeling.
Those feelings that encourage looking away, don't investigate, just feel bad and never examine this feeling.
An ex friend sent me a happy new year text, and I replied with the same low energy. It was a milestone because in the moment I felt rude and guilty for not making him feel comfortable, AND recognition that it was just an old attachment pattern popping up and I can ignore it. Progress!
January 4, 2026 at 10:29 PM
An ex friend sent me a happy new year text, and I replied with the same low energy. It was a milestone because in the moment I felt rude and guilty for not making him feel comfortable, AND recognition that it was just an old attachment pattern popping up and I can ignore it. Progress!
Why did I cruise along for so many years just 'fine' but now everything is hard? It's like filling a cup over time. You've had a long time to watch stuff drip-drip-drip in, but now the cup is full, and every new drip is enough to make the whole thing spill over.
December 24, 2025 at 2:31 PM
Why did I cruise along for so many years just 'fine' but now everything is hard? It's like filling a cup over time. You've had a long time to watch stuff drip-drip-drip in, but now the cup is full, and every new drip is enough to make the whole thing spill over.
When I'm suffering, people close to me tell me how much progress I've made. My experience is more like a swimming pool: it's getting shallower as I go, but it's still mostly too deep to stand up. Drowning is drowning.
Little bleak but ooof some days.
Little bleak but ooof some days.
December 20, 2025 at 1:15 AM
When I'm suffering, people close to me tell me how much progress I've made. My experience is more like a swimming pool: it's getting shallower as I go, but it's still mostly too deep to stand up. Drowning is drowning.
Little bleak but ooof some days.
Little bleak but ooof some days.
Growing up in Australia really instilled me with a core value of 'No Kings, No emperors' which has caused difficulty before ..but I wouldn't want any other viewpoint
December 13, 2025 at 12:36 AM
Growing up in Australia really instilled me with a core value of 'No Kings, No emperors' which has caused difficulty before ..but I wouldn't want any other viewpoint
A win! I experienced a flashback in the middle of work, and I kept it under control and didn't overreact or feel intense. I weathered it better than before!
December 9, 2025 at 9:16 PM
A win! I experienced a flashback in the middle of work, and I kept it under control and didn't overreact or feel intense. I weathered it better than before!
It's been really hard to swallow that the world just... keeps moving. Even when you collapse, nothing will wait for you.
December 8, 2025 at 12:07 PM
It's been really hard to swallow that the world just... keeps moving. Even when you collapse, nothing will wait for you.
Healing is so messy. I thought I was discombobulated before, now is ten times more confusion and uncertainty BUT mixed with recognizing my patterns and having an ability to pull back and change, which was not the case during the 'unconscious' years.
December 4, 2025 at 5:42 PM
Healing is so messy. I thought I was discombobulated before, now is ten times more confusion and uncertainty BUT mixed with recognizing my patterns and having an ability to pull back and change, which was not the case during the 'unconscious' years.
Si hoc non legere potes tu asinus es.
December 4, 2025 at 4:05 PM
Si hoc non legere potes tu asinus es.
Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes
December 4, 2025 at 3:49 PM
Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes
Reposted by Rougher seas. Bigger boat though.
"Fawn" responders aren't looking for "attaboy's." We're responding from a nervous-system-deep conviction that if we're not entertaining or accommodating, we'll be in danger of punishment or rejection-- & we come by that conviction through experience.
December 3, 2025 at 4:07 AM
"Fawn" responders aren't looking for "attaboy's." We're responding from a nervous-system-deep conviction that if we're not entertaining or accommodating, we'll be in danger of punishment or rejection-- & we come by that conviction through experience.
Working through triggers is so difficult in an environment which is constantly triggering my alarm of 'DANGEROUS PEOPLE HERE' which there are. It makes the 'yell yourself you are safe' advice feel very naive and too broad to be useful. I AM in danger here, I work with psychos who can fire me.
December 3, 2025 at 12:35 PM
Working through triggers is so difficult in an environment which is constantly triggering my alarm of 'DANGEROUS PEOPLE HERE' which there are. It makes the 'yell yourself you are safe' advice feel very naive and too broad to be useful. I AM in danger here, I work with psychos who can fire me.
CPTSD really cuts your legs out from under you, and does it at the worst time: when you are healing.
The pain before treatment is nothing compared to the pain of feeling and processing again, which is NEEDED but very hard.
You'll likely lose most friendships and relationships while healing.
The pain before treatment is nothing compared to the pain of feeling and processing again, which is NEEDED but very hard.
You'll likely lose most friendships and relationships while healing.
December 1, 2025 at 12:10 PM
CPTSD really cuts your legs out from under you, and does it at the worst time: when you are healing.
The pain before treatment is nothing compared to the pain of feeling and processing again, which is NEEDED but very hard.
You'll likely lose most friendships and relationships while healing.
The pain before treatment is nothing compared to the pain of feeling and processing again, which is NEEDED but very hard.
You'll likely lose most friendships and relationships while healing.
I can see/feel how my nervous system is driving the faster pace that I don't like, and that's why. Like a stuck throttle it's disconcerting. But solvable.
November 30, 2025 at 2:15 PM
I can see/feel how my nervous system is driving the faster pace that I don't like, and that's why. Like a stuck throttle it's disconcerting. But solvable.
I think deep down I expected healing to mean 'no more painful situations' and not 'deal with it better'
November 28, 2025 at 10:53 AM
I think deep down I expected healing to mean 'no more painful situations' and not 'deal with it better'
Wisdom seems to be linked with sadness and hard lessons a lot, doesn't it?
November 26, 2025 at 8:40 PM
Wisdom seems to be linked with sadness and hard lessons a lot, doesn't it?
It's really tough sometimes to know if I'm sharing something because it's neat or I'm proud of it, or if I'm just seeking validation.
November 25, 2025 at 5:20 PM
It's really tough sometimes to know if I'm sharing something because it's neat or I'm proud of it, or if I'm just seeking validation.
Healing without connection is tough, and connection without healing is tough.
November 25, 2025 at 11:05 AM
Healing without connection is tough, and connection without healing is tough.