Easter is the best candy holiday

Truly can receive no greater compliment than one kid telling another "go there, it's a good house!" On Halloween

I'm a librarian and I endorse this message

Tired: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

Wired: Eyes Wide Shut is a Christmas movie

Name a TV show you're positive no one remembers but you.

I expected to wake up exhausted, despondent. but I looked up and for the first time in my life I thought, "there's no one left to look to. it's just us."

so I am shocked at how I feel: furious, clear-eyed, galvanized. we who saw this from the beginning, for better or worse, it's our time to lead.

One indignity of watching the world series is seeing all these old man Tom Selleck looking mustaches on dudes who are probably a decade younger than me

Learning French by reading Stephen King is great because now I have the vocabulary for all sorts of hangovers, "gurgling sounds", "little bastards" and "his shrew of a wife"

Lord give me the strength to wake up every morning and be an absolute fucking menace to my insurance company for as long as it takes