I said keep my granny’s & mums name out of his mouth & am full no contact. @jjorbles.bsky.social helped give me the strength My parents aren’t who I thought they were, they have changed, that’s ok. My mum has always always been a mum in her own way. I’m guarding my own family’s energy, & my heart

So how do I manage to stay positive? Keep on keeping on? I dream big. I protect my energy & my peace. Invest emotionally in the right things & people. Disengage from the things that don’t matter. I will never be loyal to someone else I’m not loyal to myself. And I have NEVER earned abuse. ✌🏽

I was around 9 when my father told me “you’re just like your mother. No man is gonna want to be with you, you’re going to die alone; & if someone is stupid enough to marry you they’ll leave for a gallon of milk & never come back because you are awful. You are absolutely awful.
All this before 13.

To put it into perspective, he got married to his second wife on my birthday because he said he was rewriting his life starting with my birthday, as his new life didn’t involve being a father. He told me he cheated on my mother but refused to tell her the truth hoping I would get mad & hurt her.

So I told him that my granny who he said he loves so much has passed & never got to see him do the one thing she asked which was to be an actual father to her granddaughters. She didn’t want to keekee with the man who broke her daughter’s heart then chose to be a menace to her grand babies.

My mum found out why I was sad & after I’m sure having to take a shot of whisky to calm her enough to not end him on the spot she must have spoken to him he gave around double & interest on my birthday. I said “you didn’t ha-“ she cut me off with a firm “YES HE DID. YES HE DID.” This is a pattern.

New infinity with leather floorboards, retired, beating down the highway to get to his sisters whorehouse, slipping up to brag about some custom car or house shit, he does this. In college I dropped a grand filling up his freezer & he called 2 days later to tell me it wasn’t enough. I cried so hard

So when Joe (my father) starts hollering about being poor I said I would pay for his gas to get to the holiday event & back. “Oh I have no food!” I said he would have tons of leftovers & I’ll make some extra homemade loaves of bread. Then “well my mortgage in January is due.” I rescinded my offer

The pain comes from setting expectations with people who habitually don’t even make it to the lowest bar of effort. I was hoping my father would get it together because I have seen him cosplay a loving uncle. I’ve seen him act right around his morally bankrupt sister & her planned & surplus kids.

My friend Kai Lu told me my past trauma does not dictate my current or future. That when we grow up sometimes it’s hard to accept but our parents might have changed. Might not be who we wanted them to be. I have removed my narcissistic DARVO speed running lying father from my life.

I said all that to say
1) you don’t know what people are going through. I was asked how I stay positive & I said i have a long life full of love & happiness I’m supposed to thoroughly participate in. My relationship with G_d easily does heavy lifting; @jjorbles.bsky.social & radical acceptance too

I have worked on my trauma for sure with chronic pain & Bertolloti’s syndrome. I don’t want to get high I want to have a way to kill breakthrough pain so I can’t nomnomnom just to be laid up in pain with no way to make it better. I’m really proud of myself & also know not to stop my buprenorphine.

I’ve been in recovery for years. Part didn’t want to numb the pain part didn’t want to be in any kind of haze while navigating serious situations. So being able to have opiate pain meds in my reach & I’m literally doing everything to avoid it just in case it gets really bad and I may need it.

He wanted an MRI immediately to make sure Cloticus Rex hadn’t gone upstairs. Brain was clear & we started Vimpat. I already feel less fog, word recall is slowly improving again, I’m pleased. I also managed to have a bottle of Norco and have only taken it maybe three times since I left?

Neurology pointed out we didn’t need hematology they didn’t sent a medical doctor as i had requested especially because he had it down almost immediately; Dilantin causes erratic absorption of meds ESPECIALLY warfarin. My Dilantin levels were nerfing the warfarin at random times. Port could stay.

Hematology comes in & shows out so badly I asked her to leave as we were not discussing treatment, we weren’t in agreement & I felt uncomfortable with her vibe. She never gave her name & slammed the door so hard my nurse almost dropped my meds & jumped. Aside from her everyone was amazing

He comes back legit shook because I was right. @jjorbles.bsky.social was in the room as this doctor is wondering why my INR can be on the high side (2-2.5 is perfect mine was a 3 which is blood being really thin) so here we go upstairs. So far aside from the pain & now terror so good.