tomb raider of the lost ark
@satans-salamander.bsky.social
god accidentally made me unkillable and i’m about to make that everyone’s problem
me eating a ball of mozzarella like an apple: this is the greed they warn of in the bible
January 2, 2026 at 12:15 AM
me eating a ball of mozzarella like an apple: this is the greed they warn of in the bible
also happy 8 year anniversary of the time the ghost of abraham lincoln stalked me through a downtown city park and no one ever believes me until i show them the photos ✌️🤪
August 13, 2025 at 2:01 AM
also happy 8 year anniversary of the time the ghost of abraham lincoln stalked me through a downtown city park and no one ever believes me until i show them the photos ✌️🤪
just got an email from my insurance company about new supplemental insurance policies and tell me why my illiterate ass read it as them offering me new ‘supernatural insurance’ and me genuinely considering it
August 12, 2025 at 9:19 PM
just got an email from my insurance company about new supplemental insurance policies and tell me why my illiterate ass read it as them offering me new ‘supernatural insurance’ and me genuinely considering it
announcing my illustrious and dramatic return to ao3 by creating an alt account to post under and dropping some of the rawest writing of my LIFE for exactly one reader
you know
as god intended
you know
as god intended
August 12, 2025 at 1:59 AM
announcing my illustrious and dramatic return to ao3 by creating an alt account to post under and dropping some of the rawest writing of my LIFE for exactly one reader
you know
as god intended
you know
as god intended
OH i’m about to have the best day
August 2, 2025 at 9:22 PM
OH i’m about to have the best day
“Bring Me To Slime” by Effervescent 🐌
July 8, 2025 at 11:51 PM
“Bring Me To Slime” by Effervescent 🐌
just explained tectonic plate shifts to my cat because he lives in california and needs to be earthquake ready
July 4, 2025 at 6:23 PM
just explained tectonic plate shifts to my cat because he lives in california and needs to be earthquake ready
hour 8 of ao3 down: sitting, still weeping, eyes never dry, sweet life flowing away with the tears wept for my foiled journey home
July 4, 2025 at 1:08 AM
hour 8 of ao3 down: sitting, still weeping, eyes never dry, sweet life flowing away with the tears wept for my foiled journey home
when will my wife (ao3) return from the war (maintenance)
July 3, 2025 at 11:57 PM
when will my wife (ao3) return from the war (maintenance)
guess who just fell down the stairs again 🤪🤪🤪
June 20, 2025 at 11:12 PM
guess who just fell down the stairs again 🤪🤪🤪
9/9 (in theory)
June 9, 2025 at 6:03 PM
9/9 (in theory)
oh you think YOU’RE loyal??? my favorite song is almost 9 minutes long. it has an intro that’s 2 minutes and 50 seconds long. i have never once in her entire life skipped a single part even if i was in a hurry. i’ve been late to work for her.
June 5, 2025 at 1:45 PM
oh you think YOU’RE loyal??? my favorite song is almost 9 minutes long. it has an intro that’s 2 minutes and 50 seconds long. i have never once in her entire life skipped a single part even if i was in a hurry. i’ve been late to work for her.
Reposted by tomb raider of the lost ark
Six film titles that are misleading…
6. Mission Impossible (it was possible)
5. Goodfellas (they were pretty bad actually)
4. Jurassic Park (Cretaceous Park more like)
3. The Constant Gardener (never even starts gardening)
2. The Man Who Wasn’t There (yes he was)
1. The NeverEnding Story (ends)
6. Mission Impossible (it was possible)
5. Goodfellas (they were pretty bad actually)
4. Jurassic Park (Cretaceous Park more like)
3. The Constant Gardener (never even starts gardening)
2. The Man Who Wasn’t There (yes he was)
1. The NeverEnding Story (ends)
June 4, 2025 at 4:41 PM
Six film titles that are misleading…
6. Mission Impossible (it was possible)
5. Goodfellas (they were pretty bad actually)
4. Jurassic Park (Cretaceous Park more like)
3. The Constant Gardener (never even starts gardening)
2. The Man Who Wasn’t There (yes he was)
1. The NeverEnding Story (ends)
6. Mission Impossible (it was possible)
5. Goodfellas (they were pretty bad actually)
4. Jurassic Park (Cretaceous Park more like)
3. The Constant Gardener (never even starts gardening)
2. The Man Who Wasn’t There (yes he was)
1. The NeverEnding Story (ends)
if i could change any event in human history, literally ANYTHING, just magically change it and better the timeline and the entire course of mankind, i wouldn’t hesitate. i already know. i would un-cancel julie and the phantoms.
June 4, 2025 at 2:36 AM
if i could change any event in human history, literally ANYTHING, just magically change it and better the timeline and the entire course of mankind, i wouldn’t hesitate. i already know. i would un-cancel julie and the phantoms.
rip tolkien you would have loved heavy metal cover of ed sheeran’s end credits song from the middle movie of the hobbit trilogy 😔
May 26, 2025 at 2:33 AM
rip tolkien you would have loved heavy metal cover of ed sheeran’s end credits song from the middle movie of the hobbit trilogy 😔
THIS IS ABOUT MY JOB. THIS IS ABOUT MY BAD DAY AT WORK.
burning a building down is simply not enough. i need to commit a war crime.
May 25, 2025 at 2:52 AM
THIS IS ABOUT MY JOB. THIS IS ABOUT MY BAD DAY AT WORK.
Reposted by tomb raider of the lost ark
burning a building down is simply not enough. i need to commit a war crime.
May 25, 2025 at 2:51 AM
burning a building down is simply not enough. i need to commit a war crime.
burning a building down is simply not enough. i need to commit a war crime.
May 25, 2025 at 2:51 AM
burning a building down is simply not enough. i need to commit a war crime.
A pair at my kid’s end of year choir showcase start doing “a thousand years” and some teen boy in the audience excitedly goes [gasp] THE TWILIGHT SONG
May 21, 2025 at 2:28 AM
A pair at my kid’s end of year choir showcase start doing “a thousand years” and some teen boy in the audience excitedly goes [gasp] THE TWILIGHT SONG
happy graduation to meee 🎉 i now have more degrees than my entire family combined 🤪
May 16, 2025 at 5:41 PM
happy graduation to meee 🎉 i now have more degrees than my entire family combined 🤪
Kenobi was never bad you guys were just boring
May 15, 2025 at 3:22 AM
Kenobi was never bad you guys were just boring
Hadestown opening night and maybe it’s the bias talking but this is literally the best production of this show ever
May 9, 2025 at 3:26 AM
Hadestown opening night and maybe it’s the bias talking but this is literally the best production of this show ever
a non-exhaustive list of songs banned in my car because i WILL start driving like an asshole while screaming the lyrics:
1. toxicity by system of a down
2. history maker by dean fujioka
3. one day more from les mis
4. silver springs (live from burbank 1997) by fleetwood mac
1. toxicity by system of a down
2. history maker by dean fujioka
3. one day more from les mis
4. silver springs (live from burbank 1997) by fleetwood mac
April 26, 2025 at 1:53 PM
a non-exhaustive list of songs banned in my car because i WILL start driving like an asshole while screaming the lyrics:
1. toxicity by system of a down
2. history maker by dean fujioka
3. one day more from les mis
4. silver springs (live from burbank 1997) by fleetwood mac
1. toxicity by system of a down
2. history maker by dean fujioka
3. one day more from les mis
4. silver springs (live from burbank 1997) by fleetwood mac
if i had a nickel for every time a person i considered (at the time) a close friend faked their death in order to ghost me but continued to post on social media as though everything was fine instead of ending the friendship like a normal person… readers you would not BELIEVE the multiple nickels
April 21, 2025 at 9:18 PM
if i had a nickel for every time a person i considered (at the time) a close friend faked their death in order to ghost me but continued to post on social media as though everything was fine instead of ending the friendship like a normal person… readers you would not BELIEVE the multiple nickels
constantly impressed and delighted by my kid. opening night of beauty and the beast was amazing.
April 16, 2025 at 11:48 PM
constantly impressed and delighted by my kid. opening night of beauty and the beast was amazing.