Playing Modern Warfare sniping around Pripyat with the Scottish legend that is Captain MacMillan.

I’m struggling to find any positives going into this New Year. Life just sucks, man, and I think it’s gonna remain that way for a good while. I hope it doesn’t, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess that’s everything that was on my mind as I was thinking back on the year. Here’s to 2026.

Cheers. 🍻

Even then sometimes I can’t work my feelings out, they just exist and change on a dime sometimes. They are too strong both on the positives and the negatives, and I probably should try and mute them a little more. I dunno, this whole thread feels aimless but I’m just putting out what’s on my mind.

I can’t help but worry that I’m inadvertently pushing people away and closing up. I don’t think I’m as big of a talker about my feelings as I was before (apart from right now), and I’ve often had the thought that no one particularly cares about how I feel. I don’t think that is true, but it gets me.

What’s hard is that I can’t like… really snap out of these thought loops for long. I distract myself with humour and the sorts but it always comes *back* to these worries. Existential worries about the future and not really the now, and not even things that are affecting me in the now.

It’s hard to continue bothering about things living with the knowledge that there is no real positive future for me; I make money only for the government to steal it, owning a house seems unlikely and retirement even more so. Why even bother, you know? I’m too neurotic for this shit sometimes.

It feels like over the course of this year I’ve made myself a lot less available to people and isolated myself more while the thing I really think about and feel like doing most is sleeping. I’m not despairing like I was before I sought professional help this year but, God, life is so depressing.