98% of Blue Peter pets have died at work making it the most dangerous occupation in the European Economic area

May I compare you to a summer mushroom?

Summer beans. Make me feel fine

I feel sorry for all the ring doorbells that have been left home alone while their tiresome owners culture-launder themselves at Glastonbury with all the southern Liverpool fans

Whoa whoa whoa… don’t do a day’s worth of protests against a constitutional system you don’t have just because the fucked up mess your smart arse, tax avoiding founding fathers farted out has proven to be a shit show

I hope I’m carrying takeaway when I die so people have something to say at my funeral

please sir, the lifeguards are here for the welfare of our guests and referring to them as ‘safety twinks’ in front of the children damages their authority and puts us all at risk

I dont believe any conspiracy theories except the internet is all on crystals and to get it to my phone the crystals vibrate and cloudflare is there to make sure that the crystals dont vibrate too hard and escape their housing when Im checking who slept with who on set for Gremlins 2 the new batch

is that tomato soup in your mouth or are you vomiting blood because you’re please to see me

if that prick scrooge rocked up to my gaff on christmas day with a fuck off massive turkey and 50 strangers (including 2 talking horses) id tell him to shove his raise up his arse and pay my own fucking mortgage

I’ve been mocked, I’ve been ridiculed and I’ve been reviled but yesterday, in the US, a congressional select subcommittee published its two year investigation, which found that “Dogs shit on Ley Lines”

on reflection maybe letting a bunch of guys who think theyre going to be president decide what the president can do was a mistake?

irelands great because all the boors moved to the states

bluesky rhymes with brewski and nothing you virtue signallers do can change that

everyone goes on and on about the water cycle BUT if the water cycle is REAL how come no one can tell me how long it takes the water i DRINK from my TAP to get BACK to my TAP

if they track something as boring and far away as venus then it means theyre probably tracking you too and thats why I use nordvpn when I ask google if film stars are married

the octonauts are colonisers