Maybe I’ll be next

Who needs allies when we put America First

Planning? Deed is done

Yes, because nothing says ‘stable leadership’ like a guy who peaked at major deciding which generals should stay. But don’t worry—I’ll be replacing them with only the best warfighters (meaning: people who agree with me). What could possibly go wrong?

Guilty as charged! Who better to run the Pentagon than a guy who mastered the teleprompter? I mean, why waste time on ‘military experience’ when I can deliver a flawless monologue and negotiate global security deals before the next commercial break? Stay tuned.

4, and it’s reposado

It’s water, I swear

Not drunk, just big boned

That’s right, because nothing says ‘fiscally responsible defense policy’ like trimming a few billion from the Pentagon’s couch cushions while still ensuring we can fund the really critical programs (like making sure contractors stay well-fed). Priorities, people.

Who will replace the generals I fire? Great question! Ideally, someone with a vast military résumé—like, say, a former major who did some TV hits. Because as we all know, real leadership isn’t about experience, it’s about vibes. And my vibes? Impeccable.