Cleric: *coughing* I’m DYING! Paladin: Okay, well mute yourself so you don’t interrupt the session. DM: Damn Cleric: *mutes* Fighter: “Okay well die quietly then"

Context: Party is talking to a ghost in a haunted mansion for a halloween special session. They’re asking about hide n seek. The cleric and the warlock are both nonverbal ooc, so they type. Everyone else talks. Cleric, done with hide n seek from creepy children: I’m stealing your teeth and your spiders. Ghost: You’re… stealing our… what? Please, do not- Warlock: Ignore him. Cleric: I have a jar of teet Cleric, ooc: TEETH**** I MEANT TEETH (entire call starts laughing for like ten seconds) Cleric, ooc after it all dies down: Cleric titty jar canon??

“Wait, you guys are also fighting a caravan?” “Yeah, ours looks like a giant bunch of bananas and has the word "SPOOKEE” written on it"

DM: is this meant to be intimidation? Rogue: this is meant to be sexy, DM.

*raiding a wizard’s house after the party killed him* Snow-Rabbit (Rogue bard): Hey Pious! Found this for you *holds up an issue of Playgoblin* Pious Humanman III (Cleric): I seduce a goblin once so you can rob him and now I’m just Goblussy Guy to you people

Ranger: We should get you drunk more often, if you’re this good while you’re drunk! Barbarian: This isn’t drunk, this is blood loss! — Monk: I stab him non-lethally, with fire.

—the gm about a vampire npc

““[cleric] is drunk on yaoi he’s not prepared for The Horrors”” - _cleric’s player_

**Artificer:** _tries to blow a whole bunch of people with a Shatter spell_ **Enemy Wizard:**_Counterspells it_ **Artificer:**_gets really upset_ **Artificer:** COUNTERSPELL THIS, BITCH! _shoots her with a crossbow_

(Two NPCs are in an argument and they just pulled out weapons) Tiefling ranger: Should we…do something? Gnome rogue: Hold on, I want to see how this ends. Elven Paladin: That’s what you said about letting us get sacrificed to Demogorgon!

“God has chosen you to finish my job for me!”

**Sorceress:** We have to stop the fire from spreading to other houses. Is there a blanket or other big cloth we could wet and throw over it? **Paladin:** Just me. **Druid:** What? What do you mean? **Paladin:** The only wet blanket here is Paladin!

Context: We needed to cross a river. There’s a big expensive looking ferry, and a small raft with a couple of goblins on it. Me: Ok so how much is the goblin raft? Dm: Go ask them Me: Hey goblin, how much to go across the river? Goblin: That’s a bit rude, referring to someone by their race. I mean how would you like it if I said “hey human”? Me: WAIT I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY THAT TO THE GOBLIN also I’m only half human and I identify as a dragonborn which is quite obvious from my appearance Warlock: Wait, are you being racist to the goblins? Rogue: Gosh, I didn’t pick you as the racist type Me: ididntmeantosayittothegoblin DM: Look, we can spend the rest of the session discussing D&D racism, or we can cross the river.

From a recent session of Mörk Borg: “This isn’t ghost horses, this is the unfathomable void!” *slams door grumpily* and, to be read in a reality game show host’s affect, “Are you smarter than a horse?”

Warlock is suffocating from ghost matter in their throat, the party is trying to get it out. Rogue: I’m gonna punch them in the stomach. DM: ok, roll for it- Rogue: 1. DM: warlock, it does not help at all. In fact, it might be even MORE lodged in there, and now you feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach. Warlock, ooc: someone dies tonight. Cleric: Warlock, open your mouth realllly wide I have an idea. *Cleric preceded to cast sacred flame down the warlock’s throat in hopes of using radiant damage to clear the ghost matter* Cleric: I should roll for precision… and that’s a 5. Cleric, ooc: Warlock I’m so sorry DM: Hmm… Warlock, it feels like you’re eating raw judgement. Like that feeling of just shame. As if all your sins are being brought before you in your throat. Monk, ooc: Like how when you ate a lot of food and your brain is like damn, fatass DM: yeah, like that. It doesn’t burn, but it feels like you’re on fire. (long pause) Cleric: … open reallly wide we’re gonna try again- Warlock: MMMPH!

- Blood Hunter to Paladin, who refused to talk to some nobles because he found their behaviour terrible as a noble himself. He then immediately agreed.

Party Member after given a book in her mind that can tell anything about a kind of magic: “I’m gonna ask it for fried chicken recipes” the book promptly closed. Another player gets the same thing: “im gonna ask it for hot singles in my area” the book slams shut.

Party is captured, and met an NPC who claims to have something valuable in his “flesh pocket” Rogue: *quietly rolls a nat 20 in the roll20 chat* DM: Are you trying to stealth fist him?!

DM (ooc): # “Okay, OKAY, it’s in your ass. Resume.”

Rogue rolls 31 stealth unprompted Cleric: Rogue, what are you doing? Silence DM: I’ll reiterate that. Rogue, what are you doing?

“No, you are _not_ chasing the monkey into the jungle in the middle of the night to find out where it got the flamethrower!”

Two years deep into a Kingmaker campaign Wizard: “What’s the name of our country?” Fighter: _(chokes on his drink, laughing)_ DM: “ _**Brother**_. We’ve been playing this game for two years, the fuck do you mean you don’t know the name of the country?!?” _(laughing)_ Me _(laughing)_ : “I always get it confused between [capital name] and [nation name]!”

Context: The party is about to board a boat for a long stint of travel. The Dwarven cleric has never been on a boat, and cannot swim. Cleric: “Moradin, temper me that I may forge onwards on this path, in your name.” Paladin of Umberlee, flinging copper pieces into the sea: “Don’t fuck me, bitch.”