Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 23h

Sing along everybody!

🎵Any time you're Handsworth way
Any evening, any day
You'll find us all
Doin' the Jenrick walk.

Ev'ry little Racist gal
With her little Nazi pal
You'll find 'em all
Doin' the Jenrick walk.
Oi!🎵

The old songs are the best! 😊

19 38 150

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 1d

“…And finally in conclusoin,
Let us knot forget:
When Labour negotiates Britian loses.”
✍️

46 23 240

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 2d

I’m at Tory Party Conference & it’s great to see respected ex Australian PM Tony Abbott offering sound advice to Kemi.
Tony’s idea of storing illegal migrants in ‘Motherships’ & returning them on ‘Quiet & moonless nights’ shows the rational policies we are now looking at…
🇬🇧

58 43 240

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 2d

So Nigel Farage says we Conservatives are FINISHED! 😡
Rubbish!
Here we all are turning up in our droves to party conference: Representing all classes, all races, all creeds!
We can’t wait to hear Laura Trott’s speech on numbers over 10 & James Cleverly’s address on sh*tholes.
🇬🇧

29 41 190

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 3d

Kemi is right & her intelligence shines through!✔️
America, Australia & Canada are NOT in the European Convention on Human Rights.
Nor are they in the EU.
They made the correct decision NOT to join these bureaucratic nightmares.
So must we!
🇬🇧

50 32 180

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 7d

Bunty & I are having a break.
We’re taking part in the annual 3 day golf competition between Gussage & our deadly rivals Wimborne St Giles.
It’ll be intense & Bunty is expecting glasses of sherry to be thrown at her, whilst I’ll be called rude names such as ‘bounder’
Back Sunday!

27 9 130

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 9d

Great moments in Conservative Party History.
Part 38 of an occasional series.
The romantic photo of 2019 capturing the moment when Prime Minister Boris Johnson showed his wife Carrie his spaffing machine whilst proposing to her on the steps of St Paul’s Cathedral.
❤️

39 42 210

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 10d

Golf once was an example of sportsmanship & good manners.
But look at this.
Europe’s Ryder Cup team mocking President Trump.
Mr Trump is a much loved man & a great peacemaker.
These golfers should be reprimanded.😡
This is why we must never rejoin The EU!

320 110 570

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 10d

Happy birthday my darling Bunty!
I’ve bought my beloved:
A donkey field
A Your Party membership
Some mince
Voucher for a day’s fracking
A dancing lesson with Thomas Skinner
Some Bosh
A bumper pack of paracetamol
A drone
A St George’s Cross adorned mini roundabout in Solihull.
🥳

38 38 230

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 14d

‘Joanne has roasted Royal Park Swan in a Boston Duck infused sauce served on a bed of fresh paracetamol…’

59 220 870

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 14d

Using Donald Trump’s famous words:
They’ll be eating the cats and dogs next in Boston!
🙄

57 30 140

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 15d

Did you know that after Gregg Wallace has taken paracetamol for a headache he drops his trousers and takes off his underpants?

38 34 250

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 15d

FAO President Trump!
Simple Sally who works in Jill’s village shop says Paracetamol causes autism.
She also says sour milk causes plague.
Eating mud can freeze your brain.
Touching moths gives you fungus.
Sniffing hay can make you incontinent
& eating apple pips cures deafness.🤪

23 21 160

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 15d

I’m changing my will & having a Charlie Kirk style funeral.
We’ll use the parish hall & get the vicar to blast out Peter’s & Lee tunes on his cassette recorder. Paperboy Dean can switch his torch on & off.
Then Jill from the shop can light sparklers as Liz Truss reads my eulogy!

37 16 180

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 16d

I ask you all tonight to light a candle & pray for this lovely young couple Andy & Sarah
OK apart from:
Toe sucking
Extra marital affairs
Business meetings with Col Gadaffi
Lying to a fake sheikh
Building up massive debts
Alleged Paedophilia
Befriending a pimp.
They deserve our love.
🙏🏻

38 35 200

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 17d

Do listen!
Truly inspiring words from our respected and beloved ex Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
The young people of this country need to:
Swear MORE
Drink MORE
and Shag MORE!
👏👏👏👏👏

95 31 160

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 18d

Your Party.
No it’s not it’s My Party.
It isn’t Your F*cking Party it’s actually My Party.
It was supposed to be Our Party, how come it’s Yours?
Because you said it was Your Party.
I didn’t say it was My Party.
Look it isn’t Your F*cking Party so f*ck off!
Your Party, my arse!
😤

36 25 180

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 20d

Just look at King Charles as President Trump calls him a ‘Great King.’
The sheer joy in his face shows how a great friendship is developing between him & the President.
With Melania dressing up as a lamp stand to win a bet, I’d say this Presidential trip has been a great success!

32 50 230

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 21d

President Trump made a secret visit to us. I’ve known him since he was a young pussy grabber.
He enjoyed nibbling Jill’s hot baps.
He adored Bunty’s flaps & was enchanted by Simple Sally’s stories of geese & poltergeists.
Len our Reform UK butcher came…then came again!
Fab day! 🇺🇸

19 40 180

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 22d

Pssst!
Don’t tell anyone but we Conservatives are infiltrating Reform & will soon be taking it over.
Next it’ll be Liz Truss, Govey & Jacob Rees Mogg joining.
Then Boris…who will dethrone Farage & take over as leader!
Bye bye Farage, Richard Tights & all your thickos.
Ha ha! 😂

48 51 260

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 22d

So dear dear Danny Kruger has defected to Reform.
To be honest my wife Bunty and I can’t stand him.
It was when he did that poor quality video at the end of the general election pretending to be that creepy stalker from the film ‘Love Actually.’
Hmmmm🤔
Need I say any more?
😬

35 36 160

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 24d

Let’s not give up hope on President Trump as a peacemaker.☮️
He stopped the Azerbaijan & Albania war that had raged on for 22 years.
You know that war.
It’s the one Lee Anderson served bravely in whilst fighting in The Somme.💪

34 38 230

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 24d

My wife Bunty & I decided to have a romantic weekend in Paris.
It has truly been très magnifique!
❤️
Imagine our surprise then, as we decided to walk up to the Arc de Triomphe, to be confronted by 3 million English patriots proudly marching & beating up the local gendarmerie!
🤦‍♂️

33 82 410

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 26d

We celebrated FREE SPEECH in the village yesterday.
We called each other bastards & fuckers.
Everyone said Jill in the village shop was a bitch & should be jailed.
I called Dean our paperboy a lying wanker and Bunty said Simple Sally should be burnt for being a slut.
🇬🇧

66 130 560

Sir Michael Take CBE @sirmichaeltake.bsky.social · 27d

Peter Mandehlson’s next job:
Archbishop of Canterbury?
Host of Masterchef?
Deputy Leader of The Labour Party?
Children’s author?
Prime Minister of France?
Andrea Jenkyns’ voice coach?
Replacement for that ‘bosh’ guy on Strictly?
Write for the Daily Mail?
Fluffer?
Traffic warden?

50 23 130