Well this thought train went in an inchersting direction. I like where it ended up. Ending with a prescription is good

It doesnt mean i'll automatically feel any safer being myself around others, but hopefully at least i'll start to feel more alive again. Fuq shame n stuff. So it's a right step i think. Nurturing my soul back to health by doing things that used to give me life, but that i stopped doing out of shame

Another is that toxic shame from all the rejection and contempt my growing self experienced has been like a cancer to my soul. Or more like an extinguisher on it, ig. I think it might rlly help to just let myself unmask while alone and find my natural rhythms again. That might strengthen it some

One of my theories is that childhood trauma actually killed a part of me and a lot of my mask is me pretending not to be half dead

Its kind of odd bc im usually partially dissociated from my body and i don't have as much control over it as i would like. It takes a lot of focus to make up for it. Its like im half or mostly outside of my body and i have to concentrate to puppet it in natural-looking ways when im around ppl

Well, we're becoming friends. But it's still everything to me

Tearing up a little bc i have fwiends :,3

Shops that put plastic coatings on their wooden implements do it because they don't make them with care. You can see the coarseness and ridges on the unsanded wood just by looking, and its rlly ugly.

Ig it could be handleability. That's fair i guess

Genuinely, what's the appeal of nice wood paddles for ppl who buy them and don't care abt details like that? If its weight, u can get that from cheaper materials. Aesthetics-? Why would u care abt pretty wood grain unless ur a wood snob? Last i knew, paint comes in lotsa neat colors-

Idc if i'm being a wood snob, i'm standing my ground on this one. If anyone ever asks my opinion i will tell them: no, that sucks. Thats fugly and a waste of the good craftsmanship that u paid for. They had to sand that thing until it was buttery smooth to the touch, fool.

Feeling much better now, just worried and tired. Feel more rested than yesterday tho

Who knows if i'll ever top someone again tho anyways :<

Seems I'd rather just sit on the sidelines and complain abt other ppl's sex not being up to my standards, lol

Im saying this while also being nervous and self consc abt expressing myself during sex still

If it takes time to b comfortable being more real thats okay too. Or maybe some ppl are just frat boys in bed. Its fine if u are, i just feel like there's no way its as common as it seems

Like ik its not easy to be vulnerable and its easier to slip into an emotional script than sit n let yourself feel ur own honest reactions. If ur just trying to get off, sure, dont think deeply abt it. But sex is abt connecting for me, so i'd hope my partner feels safe being themself

Maybe im just a haetr bc it feels inauthentic... it's a cop out for expressing ur feelings. I'd rather the other person growl or pant or something than take on whatever the porno fuqboy persona is that makes ppl go "fuuuuock

Sorry? i didn't realize i was sticking my dick in a frat bro