devastating blow to the day off

mom has no idea what a generational poster she could be

my 70 year old mom will never admit to finding this funny but it’s staying in my heart forever — really some of her best work

doing my monthly check in around here. still too much sincerity; lmk when it gets toxic

Working on a list of new ways to annoy coworkers. Going to start by saying “see ya in the funny papers” as I leave. The I’ll slowly start working in stuff like “you and the horse you rode in on,” and “long walk on a short pier.” Think it’ll be a big hit around the water cooler

who the fuck is jd power and what’s the deal with these associates of his?

you’ve dialed up your Uber

driver has a 4.2 rating

“drunks giving shit reviews, whatever,” you think

it arrives

the joe rogan experience pulsates through the 1 remaining speaker

he asks for a cigarette and to follow him on SoundCloud

he takes 15 wrong turns and says you changed his life

I just sneezed with a mouthful of Triscuits and I’ll tell you, folks. my kitchen looks like if the Manson family got into wood chipping

$900 wasn’t exactly what I was expecting when I brought some shitty knockoff Rothko canvases into the framing place for a quote

I’m not sure what face I made but whatever the face you make when you’re expecting to hear $150 and hear $900 is what I made

think i may have figured out how to navigate this space: I’ll do my usual vitriol on twitter and try to be more personable and stupid over here and you can decide which mania you prefer

watching mom’s cat at the 55+ living high rise

“you know how you’re generally pretty unpleasant to strangers?” she asked before she left. “please just do the Costanza opposite instinct thing. and no politics talk”

i’ll update as the weekend proceeds

enjoy this very brief moment of Carter being alive just long enough to watch Kissinger die

bet I could convince every pseudo intellectual that there’s a Scalp Scab Diet

premise is pretty simple: next time you rip one of those bad boys off your dome, you eat it; instantly saving money on food and freeing up some space in the budget for child support

saw Oppenheimer. good; not a masterpiece, imo. but one of the funniest things I’ve seen happened at the end

when it’s a close up of Murphy, and you’re left thinking about the future — and how little there is left — a dude gets up, dusts off his hands, turns to his wife and goes “dinner at chili’s?”

dude would’ve never tried that shit if his name was r jobert boppenenheimer