sn
@snillies.bsky.social
so. i don't think you will have to hear from me much again. i mean, if you are a friend of mine, and still want to stay that way, despite everything, i appreciate that more than anything. but i'll try to keep out the way of everyone else. i don't want there to be pain anymore.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
so. i don't think you will have to hear from me much again. i mean, if you are a friend of mine, and still want to stay that way, despite everything, i appreciate that more than anything. but i'll try to keep out the way of everyone else. i don't want there to be pain anymore.
not you. please. all you did was trust me. you did nothing wrong. and i want people to understand that.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
not you. please. all you did was trust me. you did nothing wrong. and i want people to understand that.
i'm also, really sorry to anyone having fire thrown at them right now due to their association with me, or anything else. this makes me feel really fucking bad. i deserve what's happening to me. but like
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i'm also, really sorry to anyone having fire thrown at them right now due to their association with me, or anything else. this makes me feel really fucking bad. i deserve what's happening to me. but like
i'm really sorry to everyone i have hurt. you did not deserve this. you don't have to accept my apology, obviously. you don't have to trust a single word of it. i've not exactly given you a great reason to. but i do mean it.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i'm really sorry to everyone i have hurt. you did not deserve this. you don't have to accept my apology, obviously. you don't have to trust a single word of it. i've not exactly given you a great reason to. but i do mean it.
you know. when i woke up a few days ago, and saw the situation i found myself in. it filled me with dread. but among that dread was a feeling of relief. i guess it is finally a kind of escape from the horrible thing i created. it literally can't get worse anymore.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
you know. when i woke up a few days ago, and saw the situation i found myself in. it filled me with dread. but among that dread was a feeling of relief. i guess it is finally a kind of escape from the horrible thing i created. it literally can't get worse anymore.
i mean, i spent a fair amount of time in anti-contact MAP spaces, and i learned a lot of my ideas from them, but i have mixed feelings about how healthy they were for me. especially ever since near the beginning of this year when i completely dissociated from them.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i mean, i spent a fair amount of time in anti-contact MAP spaces, and i learned a lot of my ideas from them, but i have mixed feelings about how healthy they were for me. especially ever since near the beginning of this year when i completely dissociated from them.
and also, maybe i just still have some work to do on what my ideas are about how i deal with my sexual feelings and stuff.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
and also, maybe i just still have some work to do on what my ideas are about how i deal with my sexual feelings and stuff.
i also do think i just have a problem with compulsive behaviour. like, this is a broader problem than accepting intimacy from minors. i also cheated on people i was in a relationship with for the same reason, and that is something i feel shit about too.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i also do think i just have a problem with compulsive behaviour. like, this is a broader problem than accepting intimacy from minors. i also cheated on people i was in a relationship with for the same reason, and that is something i feel shit about too.
that was a transition i only had to make when i was older, and i was pretty slow with it, because i often couldn't bring myself to be firm with people. i think i am getting better at it though, and i am happy about that.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
that was a transition i only had to make when i was older, and i was pretty slow with it, because i often couldn't bring myself to be firm with people. i think i am getting better at it though, and i am happy about that.
i was pretty young myself when i developed a habit of getting close and intimate with people over the internet and such, before i had as much of a responsibility to set appropriate boundaries with people.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i was pretty young myself when i developed a habit of getting close and intimate with people over the internet and such, before i had as much of a responsibility to set appropriate boundaries with people.
i have thought a decent bit about why i messed up in the first place, and how i should make sure i don't do it anymore.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i have thought a decent bit about why i messed up in the first place, and how i should make sure i don't do it anymore.
i think sometimes i convinced myself that i could still somehow save this. i could still be this example, because it was important and i needed to be. and as long as i knew that deep down i still cared, maybe it still made sense.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i think sometimes i convinced myself that i could still somehow save this. i could still be this example, because it was important and i needed to be. and as long as i knew that deep down i still cared, maybe it still made sense.
i had also already made this example of myself as someone who could be attracted to children, but was self aware and knew how to handle it. it feels important to me for people to understand this is possible, and i had really clung onto the idea of being this example for people.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i had also already made this example of myself as someone who could be attracted to children, but was self aware and knew how to handle it. it feels important to me for people to understand this is possible, and i had really clung onto the idea of being this example for people.
i think this is because, after a certain point, i had started telling half-truths instead, and i wouldn't feel like i was being dishonest when i was saying them. sometimes i was probably not even aware that the picture i was painting in someone else's mind was really misleading.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i think this is because, after a certain point, i had started telling half-truths instead, and i wouldn't feel like i was being dishonest when i was saying them. sometimes i was probably not even aware that the picture i was painting in someone else's mind was really misleading.
but... none of this explains why, even after i had this guilt on my conscience, i still went through lengths to get people to trust me on this, even when i wasn't really telling the truth anymore.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
but... none of this explains why, even after i had this guilt on my conscience, i still went through lengths to get people to trust me on this, even when i wasn't really telling the truth anymore.
in fact... i didn't even want to think about it. i had turned into a liar and i couldn't fix it, and that filled me with so much guilt and dread that i just couldn't face it. and if i didn't think about it, i could even forget sometimes, and it would feel like everything was kind of okay again.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
in fact... i didn't even want to think about it. i had turned into a liar and i couldn't fix it, and that filled me with so much guilt and dread that i just couldn't face it. and if i didn't think about it, i could even forget sometimes, and it would feel like everything was kind of okay again.
but i had already said what i said and built that trust. and did what i did and violated that trust. and i couldn't take that back. and i didn't know what i was going to do about it.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
but i had already said what i said and built that trust. and did what i did and violated that trust. and i couldn't take that back. and i didn't know what i was going to do about it.
and then, of course, i found myself exactly in this kind of situation, and eventually i would fuck it up. and it felt terrible. i knew there was no good explanation for this, and that it completely contradicted what others expected of me.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
and then, of course, i found myself exactly in this kind of situation, and eventually i would fuck it up. and it felt terrible. i knew there was no good explanation for this, and that it completely contradicted what others expected of me.
it's not that i wasn't aware of these things, but i think i was afraid to admit that it was something i was vulnerable to. and i think it felt like admitting it was getting too close to a regression back to believing i was a fundamentally bad person, which i felt i needed to avoid at all costs.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
it's not that i wasn't aware of these things, but i think i was afraid to admit that it was something i was vulnerable to. and i think it felt like admitting it was getting too close to a regression back to believing i was a fundamentally bad person, which i felt i needed to avoid at all costs.
what if someone too young for me gets very intimate with me, and the attention feels nice to me, and going along with it feels like a better thing to do than rejecting them? this is something that can happen, even if i didn't deliberately seek out these encounters.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
what if someone too young for me gets very intimate with me, and the attention feels nice to me, and going along with it feels like a better thing to do than rejecting them? this is something that can happen, even if i didn't deliberately seek out these encounters.
but... i think i did not prepare myself properly for... more realistic dangers. the kinds of things you can fuck up even if you never wanted things to end up that way. like, what if i convince myself that certain kinds of inappropriate relationships aren't so bad? then good intentions won't save me.
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
but... i think i did not prepare myself properly for... more realistic dangers. the kinds of things you can fuck up even if you never wanted things to end up that way. like, what if i convince myself that certain kinds of inappropriate relationships aren't so bad? then good intentions won't save me.
i suppose i also saw this confidence as a way of creating accountability too. if i say all this, and gain people's trust, then it's extra bad if i break that trust, which was supposed further incentivise me away from it, just in case. (unfortunately, this turns out to be a really bad strategy)
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
i suppose i also saw this confidence as a way of creating accountability too. if i say all this, and gain people's trust, then it's extra bad if i break that trust, which was supposed further incentivise me away from it, just in case. (unfortunately, this turns out to be a really bad strategy)
the type who is happy to abuse and hurt and is perfectly comfortable with that. and because i am not this, i felt pretty confident in saying i was in no danger. i had not harmed, and i had no intention to, so why would i?
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
the type who is happy to abuse and hurt and is perfectly comfortable with that. and because i am not this, i felt pretty confident in saying i was in no danger. i had not harmed, and i had no intention to, so why would i?
however, i think back then, i had some pretty naive ideas about the kind of person it takes to cause harm, and why this could never end up being me. the image i had just broken away from associating myself with was that of the most horrible, malicious kind of pedophile you can get;
November 11, 2024 at 2:28 AM
however, i think back then, i had some pretty naive ideas about the kind of person it takes to cause harm, and why this could never end up being me. the image i had just broken away from associating myself with was that of the most horrible, malicious kind of pedophile you can get;