Stop calling businesses to check on the status of your order if you don't have the order number, or remember what email address or phone number you used to place the order.

Please.

I feel the presence of Jesus in this Food Lion bathroom tonight.

I chaperoned a school field trip to the zoo yesterday morning, and then took the kids to the fair last night. I was joking about earning a parental gold medal.

Then this morning I slept through my alarm and my youngest was an hour late to school.

Easy come, easy go

I have had three people leave me voicemails on my office phone, requesting pricing this morning. None of them left a call back number.

My first rule for good chili is, you have to have at least three different animals in there.

Today is pork, bison, and lamb. But also three different cuts of pork. And some wine and beer and coffee and anyway it's kind of a therapeutic cleaning out the fridge and freezer thing.

I think one of the best things about being a dad is when your kids tell you they're starving so you make a bunch of waffles and bacon, and then they each eat one waffle and two pieces of bacon.

If Tyson loses tonight, it's because Trump wanted Jake Paul to win. And they used chemtrails and Florida to make Iron Mike lay down.

Luckily, we still control the weather machine and will use it to continually narrowly miss Mar A Lago because we still need some of those files in the bathroom.

I was listening to Sum 41 on the way to work this morning, and when the line "You're on the hit list wanted in the telephone book" came on, I thought "My kids have zero idea what a telephone book is."

Almost jerked the wheel into oncoming traffic.