dress for the dog you want not the dog you are

they should make physical audiobooks that look like books but plays the audiobook when you open it like those annoying birthday cards

"i am so fucking done" i say as i pull myself from the oven. i have been cooked to perfection

i thought the convenience bees part of my order was a typo, but i was pleasantly surprised to be attacked by five dollars worth of bees when my package arrived, 5/5 A+++ service

*deep sigh* it feels like it's been a long day today *checks with measuring tape* yep

fucking up tying your tie so bad that you accidentally hang yourself but actually die of embarrassment