Stephanie Plum, Bounty Hunter
@stephanieplumbot.bsky.social
The collected wit and wisdom of Stephanie Plum, ace bounty hunter of Trenton, New Jersey (as described by author Janet Evanovich). New pearls of insight several times a day.
Unofficial, fan-operated account.
Unofficial, fan-operated account.
"Just to clear the air," Morelli said. "I'm sorry I wrote that poem about you on the stadium wall when we were in high school."
January 13, 2026 at 11:12 PM
"Just to clear the air," Morelli said. "I'm sorry I wrote that poem about you on the stadium wall when we were in high school."
"Shit," Ranger said. "Didn't anybody tell you that you were supposed to stop him?"
"I asked him to come to the police station with me, but he said he didn't want to."
"I asked him to come to the police station with me, but he said he didn't want to."
January 13, 2026 at 8:12 PM
"Shit," Ranger said. "Didn't anybody tell you that you were supposed to stop him?"
"I asked him to come to the police station with me, but he said he didn't want to."
"I asked him to come to the police station with me, but he said he didn't want to."
If I smelled even the hint of rat breath, I was out of there.
January 13, 2026 at 5:12 PM
If I smelled even the hint of rat breath, I was out of there.
"Stephanie's moving back home."
"Why'd she want to do a thing like that? It's damn boring here." Grandma peeked into my room. "You aren't pregnant, are you?"
"Why'd she want to do a thing like that? It's damn boring here." Grandma peeked into my room. "You aren't pregnant, are you?"
January 13, 2026 at 2:12 PM
"Stephanie's moving back home."
"Why'd she want to do a thing like that? It's damn boring here." Grandma peeked into my room. "You aren't pregnant, are you?"
"Why'd she want to do a thing like that? It's damn boring here." Grandma peeked into my room. "You aren't pregnant, are you?"
I was born and raised in the Burg and while my current apartment is approximately a mile outside the Burg boundary I'm still tethered by an invisible umbilical. I've been hacking away at the damn thing for years but have never been able to completely sever it.
January 13, 2026 at 11:12 AM
I was born and raised in the Burg and while my current apartment is approximately a mile outside the Burg boundary I'm still tethered by an invisible umbilical. I've been hacking away at the damn thing for years but have never been able to completely sever it.
A few minutes later Crazy Carl Costanza poked his head out the door. I'd made Communion with Crazy Carl, among other things.
January 13, 2026 at 8:12 AM
A few minutes later Crazy Carl Costanza poked his head out the door. I'd made Communion with Crazy Carl, among other things.
"If you shoot me in the hall, my neighbors will be all over you," I said.
"Fine. Then I'll shoot them, too."
I didn't like the idea of him shooting someone, especially me, so we both went into my apartment.
"Fine. Then I'll shoot them, too."
I didn't like the idea of him shooting someone, especially me, so we both went into my apartment.
January 13, 2026 at 5:12 AM
"If you shoot me in the hall, my neighbors will be all over you," I said.
"Fine. Then I'll shoot them, too."
I didn't like the idea of him shooting someone, especially me, so we both went into my apartment.
"Fine. Then I'll shoot them, too."
I didn't like the idea of him shooting someone, especially me, so we both went into my apartment.
I called Sue Ann Grebek and discreetly asked who the hell Morelli was boffing, but she didn't know. I called Mary Lou and my cousin Jeanine, but they didn't know either.
Well, that settles it, I decided. I'll find out for myself. After all, I'm some sort of investigator. I'll simply investigate.
Well, that settles it, I decided. I'll find out for myself. After all, I'm some sort of investigator. I'll simply investigate.
January 13, 2026 at 2:12 AM
I called Sue Ann Grebek and discreetly asked who the hell Morelli was boffing, but she didn't know. I called Mary Lou and my cousin Jeanine, but they didn't know either.
Well, that settles it, I decided. I'll find out for myself. After all, I'm some sort of investigator. I'll simply investigate.
Well, that settles it, I decided. I'll find out for myself. After all, I'm some sort of investigator. I'll simply investigate.
"She's got a whole pocketbook full of paraphernalia," Grandma Mazur said, setting my bag on her lap. She pulled out the cuffs, the beeper, and a travel pack of tampons and set them on the table. "And here's her gun," she said proudly. "Isn't it a beauty?"
January 12, 2026 at 11:12 PM
"She's got a whole pocketbook full of paraphernalia," Grandma Mazur said, setting my bag on her lap. She pulled out the cuffs, the beeper, and a travel pack of tampons and set them on the table. "And here's her gun," she said proudly. "Isn't it a beauty?"
"I read about you in the paper," Leona said. "They said your car was bombed!"
"Yeah. And then a garbage truck fell on it," I said.
"It was excellent," Lula said. "It was the shit."
"Boy, nothing fun ever happens to me," Leona said. "I've never had a car bombed or anything."
"Yeah. And then a garbage truck fell on it," I said.
"It was excellent," Lula said. "It was the shit."
"Boy, nothing fun ever happens to me," Leona said. "I've never had a car bombed or anything."
January 12, 2026 at 8:12 PM
"I read about you in the paper," Leona said. "They said your car was bombed!"
"Yeah. And then a garbage truck fell on it," I said.
"It was excellent," Lula said. "It was the shit."
"Boy, nothing fun ever happens to me," Leona said. "I've never had a car bombed or anything."
"Yeah. And then a garbage truck fell on it," I said.
"It was excellent," Lula said. "It was the shit."
"Boy, nothing fun ever happens to me," Leona said. "I've never had a car bombed or anything."
My mother shook her head. "I don't even want to think about it." She shut the heat off under the potatoes and turned to me. "How good are you at this bounty hunter business?"
January 12, 2026 at 5:12 PM
My mother shook her head. "I don't even want to think about it." She shut the heat off under the potatoes and turned to me. "How good are you at this bounty hunter business?"
"Damn right, I'm with her," Sally said. "I'm the fucking cryptographer. I'm part of the team."
January 12, 2026 at 2:12 PM
"Damn right, I'm with her," Sally said. "I'm the fucking cryptographer. I'm part of the team."
"Someone jacked me over. I've been sitting out here, freezing my ass off, waiting to kill that sonovabitch Cameron Brown, and someone beat me to it. It isn't fair!"
January 12, 2026 at 11:12 AM
"Someone jacked me over. I've been sitting out here, freezing my ass off, waiting to kill that sonovabitch Cameron Brown, and someone beat me to it. It isn't fair!"
He was left with just his coffee. He eyed my donut, and I protectively drew it closer to my edge of the table.
January 12, 2026 at 8:12 AM
He was left with just his coffee. He eyed my donut, and I protectively drew it closer to my edge of the table.
And then there was the message on my door. "I hate you." Who would do such a thing? The list was long.
January 12, 2026 at 5:12 AM
And then there was the message on my door. "I hate you." Who would do such a thing? The list was long.
Rex responded by sinking his fangs into the tip of my thumb. I let out a shriek and jerked my hand away, flipping Rex off into space like a Frisbee. He sailed halfway across the room, landed with a soft thunk, lay stunned for five seconds, and then scrambled behind a bookcase.
January 12, 2026 at 2:12 AM
Rex responded by sinking his fangs into the tip of my thumb. I let out a shriek and jerked my hand away, flipping Rex off into space like a Frisbee. He sailed halfway across the room, landed with a soft thunk, lay stunned for five seconds, and then scrambled behind a bookcase.
The thousand dollars was tempting, but the job was beyond bizarre. I honestly didn't know where to start looking for twenty-four lost caskets.
January 11, 2026 at 11:12 PM
The thousand dollars was tempting, but the job was beyond bizarre. I honestly didn't know where to start looking for twenty-four lost caskets.
"Listen," Morelli said, "this is just the way it is. I'm a cop, and I can't go out with you when I know you're carrying concealed illegally. Besides, the thought of you with a gun in your hand scares the crap out of me."
January 11, 2026 at 8:12 PM
"Listen," Morelli said, "this is just the way it is. I'm a cop, and I can't go out with you when I know you're carrying concealed illegally. Besides, the thought of you with a gun in your hand scares the crap out of me."
I got a block down Hamilton and reconsidered. Probably it wasn't a good idea to leave a cop standing naked in the middle of the street.
January 11, 2026 at 5:12 PM
I got a block down Hamilton and reconsidered. Probably it wasn't a good idea to leave a cop standing naked in the middle of the street.
Dickie's eyes narrowed. "Slut."
"Asshole."
"Fat cow."
"Listen," I said. "I don't have to take this. I got a divorce."
"Asshole."
"Fat cow."
"Listen," I said. "I don't have to take this. I got a divorce."
January 11, 2026 at 2:12 PM
Dickie's eyes narrowed. "Slut."
"Asshole."
"Fat cow."
"Listen," I said. "I don't have to take this. I got a divorce."
"Asshole."
"Fat cow."
"Listen," I said. "I don't have to take this. I got a divorce."
"Omigod. Ranger gave you a car?" Mary Lou said.
"He said it was an investment in our working relationship. What does that mean?"
"What kind of car is it?"
"A new Porsche."
"That's at least oral sex."
"He said it was an investment in our working relationship. What does that mean?"
"What kind of car is it?"
"A new Porsche."
"That's at least oral sex."
January 11, 2026 at 11:12 AM
"Omigod. Ranger gave you a car?" Mary Lou said.
"He said it was an investment in our working relationship. What does that mean?"
"What kind of car is it?"
"A new Porsche."
"That's at least oral sex."
"He said it was an investment in our working relationship. What does that mean?"
"What kind of car is it?"
"A new Porsche."
"That's at least oral sex."
I finished my hot chocolate and pancakes and wished I'd worn a sweater so I could open the top snap to my jeans.
January 11, 2026 at 8:12 AM
I finished my hot chocolate and pancakes and wished I'd worn a sweater so I could open the top snap to my jeans.
Next stop was the 7-Eleven and then home with a large coffee for me and a Big Gulp of coffee for Briggs and a box of chocolate-covered doughnuts... because if I had to put up with Briggs, I needed doughnuts.
January 11, 2026 at 5:12 AM
Next stop was the 7-Eleven and then home with a large coffee for me and a Big Gulp of coffee for Briggs and a box of chocolate-covered doughnuts... because if I had to put up with Briggs, I needed doughnuts.
Ranger handed me the keys to the Bronco. "I'll drive the BMW, and you can follow."
Normally a person would take his cars home. Since Ranger wasn't normal I wasn't sure where we were headed.
Normally a person would take his cars home. Since Ranger wasn't normal I wasn't sure where we were headed.
January 11, 2026 at 2:12 AM
Ranger handed me the keys to the Bronco. "I'll drive the BMW, and you can follow."
Normally a person would take his cars home. Since Ranger wasn't normal I wasn't sure where we were headed.
Normally a person would take his cars home. Since Ranger wasn't normal I wasn't sure where we were headed.
I nodded in vague affirmation, thinking it was a good thing I owned a gun because if I ever got this crotchety I'd want to kill myself.
January 10, 2026 at 11:12 PM
I nodded in vague affirmation, thinking it was a good thing I owned a gun because if I ever got this crotchety I'd want to kill myself.