Stephen Collins
@stephencollins.bsky.social
17K followers
430 following
890 posts
Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: https://linktr.ee/stephencollinsart
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![Cartoon by Stephen Collins for the Guardian, here's the script:
[Scene is the inside of a SOUP. Some CARROTS and BITS OF BROCCOLI are floating around and a STOCK CUBE and a BAY LEAF have just been dropped in.]
1
STOCK CUBE:
Alright lads - this is Bay Leaf.
My colleague from the spice rack.
2
BROCCOLI:
Hi Bay Leaf
BAY LEAF:
Yuh yuh hi
3
CARROTS:
You up for getting proper blended with us later, Bay Leaf?
BAY LEAF:
Nuh mate, getting scooped out before soup stage.
4
CARROTS:
Oh! So… you’re not being eaten then?
BAY LEAF:
Eaten! Haha
5
BAY LEAF:
Not allowed mate.
I’m afraid I’m a lil’ bit *toooo intense*...
6
BAY LEAF:
Just here for the flavour hit.
Special forces, y’know.
That’s why there’s just one of me.
7
BAY LEAF:
Over-deploy and you’d have this whole soup stiiinking of bay leaf…
8
BAY LEAF:
You might wanna stand back actually.
This place is about to get preeetty bay leafy...
9
[Silent pause]
10
CARROTS:
Are you doing something
BAY LEAF:
Sure am mate.
11
BAY LEAF:
Suuuuure am.
12
BAY LEAF [Getting scooped out by chef’s spoon]:
You need training to perceive it.
CARROTS:
OK](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibguu2d74i7v7yrkx2z5vsiluhrnkp2uayri2gmcm4gpl4d3dvlgq@jpeg)
![Cartoon strip by me who is Stephen Collins. The imagery of the comic starts off with a single electron and then each panel zooms out one step - first to the microchip, then the OLED screen, then the iPhone, the person holding the iPhone, and onwards
Script:
An electron, forged in the first fire of the Big Bang
Courses through a deeply intricate maze of transistors and diodes
mined with unfathomable ingenuity from our planet’s deep geological past
and assembled from all over the world
Into a device perfected through centuries of technological evolution
to perform a beautifully synchronised pixel dance on an OLED screen
in an intricate moving pattern of shifting light
[Show a phone screen with an Instagram post featuring Ryan Gosling and bearing the legend:]
WATCH RYAN GOSLING EAT A PASTY FOR THE FIRST TIME!
whose choreography is powered by an global information network of unknowable complexity
which is specifically tailored to the interests of the being observing the screen
who is a member of the most advanced species on Earth
[Show a shlubby looking GUY idly looking at the Ryan Gosling/sausage roll Instagram reel on his phone while sitting in his pants and a stained t-shirt and eating a massive bag of crisps]
with a brain perhaps more capable of reconfiguring these signals into conscious thought than any other for billions of miles around
[Guy has a thought]:
“Mmm…"
in this endless, silent void.
[Pull back to show the Earth as a tiny blue dot among the stars with a thought bubble coming from it]
"… I want a pasty.”
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreib3pvgcc2tqqiiqs7tlguoez3mhdsmfscnwyxffltcsm4mxbgcyw4@jpeg)
![[Scene is ANCIENT GREECE - where SOCRATES and PLATO and others are sitting round, thinking]
1
SOCRATES:
Plato..
PLATO:
Yes Socrates?
2
SOCRATES:
Can you tell me, are you human?
PLATO:
Why… yes, Socrates
3
SOCRATES:
And would you agree, Plato, that a human knows what a chariot is?
PLATO:
Um, yep
4
SOCRATES:
So you can tell me, then
5
[Socrates produces a papyrus, showing a drawing of the corner of a chariot wheel]
SOCRATES:
*Is that a chariot*?
6
PLATO:
Well
that’s more just a bit of wheel
7
SOCRATES:
So not a *chariot*.
PLATO:
No.
8
SOCRATES:
[Producing another papyrus with the full drawing of the chariot, chopped into boxes]
So if a man were challenged to “tap the boxes containing chariots to prove you’re human” when he was just trying to check his ClubCard points... *where could he tap*?
9
PLATO:
Well you can’t tap any of them really
10
SOCRATES:
So are we not human?
PLATO:
‘Spose not.
11
[Bleak pause]
12
PLATO:
I’ll get the hemlock
SOCRATES:
Yeah
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiazbuxbxnuyt5etli2cjseaychvbuym6n6z33nwx2mutlvoqjdhge@jpeg)
![[Scene is a 19th century drawing room with a sign outside saying TRANSPORT INVENTORS CLUB. Inside, the German Engineer KARL BENZ is addressing a meeting of gentlemen about his new transport idea]
1
KARL BENZ:
OK guys - you’re gonna love this
2
KARL BENZ:
So it’s like, a box made of metal that goes at up to 120 miles an hour, yeah?
[Karl shows them a diagram of a car]
3
KARL BENZ:
And your drive it down one side of the road, and the boxes going the other way go on the opposite side, so we don’t need to build two roads!
4
OTHER GUY:
What’s down the middle?
KARL BENZ:
A white line.
5
OTHER GUY:
So like, a white barrier…
KARL BENZ:
No a white line. Drawn on the floor.
6
OTHER GUY:
And who’s piloting these machines?
KARL BENZ:
I was thinking: random members of the public.
7
[Pause, the other guys all look with concern at Karl]
8
OTHER GUY:
Karl are you OK
KARL BENZ:
No listen it’s fine
9
OTHER GUY:
You know we’re worried about you, don’t you?
KARL BENZ:
No really it’ll work -
10
KARL BENZ:
Once hundreds of millions of people have died and the world’s started ending because of the fumes it’ll all be normal.
11
OTHER GUY:
Is that normal like the ‘commuter travel device’ you brought in last week which was just…
12
OTHER GUY:
…an iron maiden fired from a catapult?
[The other guy displays a diagram of an iron maiden being fired from a catapult]
KARL BENZ:
THAT WOULD’VE WORKED!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreigv3wx7vaalu3tqpjbe5ravgkik4gltgjzedzumolfdkst6poaejq@jpeg)
Reposted by Stephen Collins
