U know I always gotta say null🥵

*sighs* ig that's everything. I should try to sleep again. Ive got work at 7am tomorrow.

Fictional characters do the opposite. Produces and intense joy I rarely find in anything else. Pathetic as hell. I can never actually talk to them, or hug them. They don't exist. Even if they did I doubt they'd love me the same.

But I can't just leave the internet cuz the only things that make me intensely happy are these fictional characters. If all those other things I mentioned make me anxious, and depressed to the highest degree. --->

I know it's my own stupid insecurities peeking through. Just because a fic doesn't seem to get the attention I wanted doesn't mean it was bad. Doesn't mean im bad, by extention. Unfortunately, tho I still get affected by it --->

Are forced to think like adults??? When all the adults in their lives aren't even good examples to begin with. I wanted to write a hurt/comfort fic, but I just can't. I can't do anything. And what's even the point when no one even cares? --->

Of course there was a lot going on at the time. The mounting academic pressure put on me, familial trauma, covid causing every friend I had to drift away from me. I hate so fucking much that literally fucking children--->

I back out of everything. I could have gotten a full ride to college, would have been half when through it right now. I had the grades, passed the tests, but I was to scared to do the community service. Make that make sense??? -->

For someone to care about me, for me to actually believe they do. But ig im the problem? I don't say anything because It's so hard for me to. If I were to die right now it would be the most pathetic life ever lived. Im just a fucking coward. --->

Makes it hard to sleep because when it's quiet there's nothing to distract myself with. I'm too paralyzed with fear of everything to even to anything. Can't even keep friends. Which is a shame cuz im desperate for it. --->

I'm not happy. Haven't been in a long time, not really. Not the persistent kind at least. Happy in brief moments. To play a game, or read a good fic, or have a nice conversation, but there's always sadness in the back of my mind. --->