It's like I have to exert myself with intention simply to register as a distinct human being. And I'm tired, sad, and disappointed, and nothing I've put my mind to over the years has changed this.

So no. I'm not fucking okay.

"Oh, it's important to trust people, to open up, don't let things fester" how? How, when I have this ridiculous talent for being overlooked? "Ignored" doesn't even cover it anymore because that would imply a conscious choice on others' part to avoid me. It's not even that.

Hell, it's not even just when I rant or show vulnerability. Even in mundane conversations, I can say anything and it's like I'm ambient noise for all that people notice me - and this holds true as much in online spaces as IRL ones.

...and yet it's almost like I have to grab them by the head and keep them facing me to prevent their attention from wandering off. That if I'm not begging and wheedling constantly, "Did you read this? Did you hear what I said? What do you think?" they'll vanish from my life entirely.

I'm SO TIRED of pouring my heart out about issues that cause me legitimate distress and eat away at me, issues that define my whole fucking life, and getting crickets in response 99% of the time. Opening up to people, gradually feeling safe enough to be vulnerable around them...