Stuart Thomas
@stuthejoke.bsky.social
Writer of jokes. Writer of code. Writer of crappy bios.
My school didn’t use centimetres or inches to see how long something was, they used Hununkiputs. Strange I know but my school was under special measures.
November 9, 2025 at 10:32 PM
My school didn’t use centimetres or inches to see how long something was, they used Hununkiputs. Strange I know but my school was under special measures.
I know a guy who’s a pub landlord and a rapper. Man’s got bars.
October 24, 2025 at 1:14 PM
I know a guy who’s a pub landlord and a rapper. Man’s got bars.
Forced to man the bric-a-brac stall the entire day. That was his village fate.
September 30, 2025 at 8:36 PM
Forced to man the bric-a-brac stall the entire day. That was his village fate.
I saw the police have started a coffee morning for those over 70. Surely it would’ve been easier to use a speed camera.
September 26, 2025 at 9:45 PM
I saw the police have started a coffee morning for those over 70. Surely it would’ve been easier to use a speed camera.
I saw a bloke with bags of weed taped to the bottom of his shoes. I thought; he’s on drugs.
September 24, 2025 at 6:19 AM
I saw a bloke with bags of weed taped to the bottom of his shoes. I thought; he’s on drugs.
Do I have any more jokes about the states? Yes, but all the good ones Oregon.
August 1, 2025 at 9:41 PM
Do I have any more jokes about the states? Yes, but all the good ones Oregon.
What's the 49th state? My geography teacher, she'll know, Alaska.
August 1, 2025 at 9:41 PM
What's the 49th state? My geography teacher, she'll know, Alaska.
I'm training an army of penguins. You heard of the movie March of the Penguins? Guess what they were marching towards? VICTORY!!!
July 17, 2025 at 9:20 PM
I'm training an army of penguins. You heard of the movie March of the Penguins? Guess what they were marching towards? VICTORY!!!
Legally speaking, you can't name your child King. But you can name them lasagna.
July 14, 2025 at 9:59 PM
Legally speaking, you can't name your child King. But you can name them lasagna.
Legally speaking, there is nothing stopping a duck running for Prime Minister. Genuinely true.
July 14, 2025 at 9:54 PM
Legally speaking, there is nothing stopping a duck running for Prime Minister. Genuinely true.
My uncle is a road sweeper for the police. So he's had a few brushes with the law.
July 14, 2025 at 6:19 AM
My uncle is a road sweeper for the police. So he's had a few brushes with the law.
I saw a bird driving an Aston Martin and firing a gun. I think it was a Bond Eagle.
July 10, 2025 at 9:52 PM
I saw a bird driving an Aston Martin and firing a gun. I think it was a Bond Eagle.
You can't wipe your nose with a baseball team! What about the New York hanky's?
July 10, 2025 at 9:50 PM
You can't wipe your nose with a baseball team! What about the New York hanky's?
I wish people would stop making such a fuss about the world's largest meringue. What a pavlova.
July 1, 2025 at 9:51 PM
I wish people would stop making such a fuss about the world's largest meringue. What a pavlova.
I know a guy who does coffee enemas for the mafia. He'll bust a cappuccino in your arse.
June 30, 2025 at 6:51 PM
I know a guy who does coffee enemas for the mafia. He'll bust a cappuccino in your arse.
My Irish mate is a prison guard and can rip off a bottle top with his bare hands. We call him the Cork screw.
June 29, 2025 at 7:45 AM
My Irish mate is a prison guard and can rip off a bottle top with his bare hands. We call him the Cork screw.
I drink out of a sparkling wine recorder, I'm not fancy enough for a champagne flute.
June 27, 2025 at 9:40 PM
I drink out of a sparkling wine recorder, I'm not fancy enough for a champagne flute.
I dropped a glass, before it hit the floor it did 3 backflips and a cartwheel. It must've been a tumbler.
June 26, 2025 at 9:18 PM
I dropped a glass, before it hit the floor it did 3 backflips and a cartwheel. It must've been a tumbler.
I did martial arts with a guy who had no pubes, I think it was Brazilian jujitsu.
June 25, 2025 at 7:10 PM
I did martial arts with a guy who had no pubes, I think it was Brazilian jujitsu.
My grandfather left his antique fishing gear for me in his will. But I don't want his old cast offs.
June 24, 2025 at 9:54 PM
My grandfather left his antique fishing gear for me in his will. But I don't want his old cast offs.
Is it time to play snooker? Yes, that's my cue.
June 23, 2025 at 6:49 PM
Is it time to play snooker? Yes, that's my cue.
I saw a crowd of guys dressed as Shakespeare sprinting to the finish line. Must've been the 100 bard dash.
June 21, 2025 at 8:51 PM
I saw a crowd of guys dressed as Shakespeare sprinting to the finish line. Must've been the 100 bard dash.
Where do grumpy footballers go for a drink? The cross bar.
June 21, 2025 at 7:42 AM
Where do grumpy footballers go for a drink? The cross bar.
One day they'll host the Winter Olympics in Yorkshire. I can't wait for Down Mill Skiing.
June 20, 2025 at 9:56 PM
One day they'll host the Winter Olympics in Yorkshire. I can't wait for Down Mill Skiing.
They almost caught me but I broke out of jail hidden in a flock of birds. It was a sparrow escape.
May 31, 2025 at 10:21 PM
They almost caught me but I broke out of jail hidden in a flock of birds. It was a sparrow escape.