ma’am, you and your children have to gtfo. there can only be one garbage-eating nocturnal queen of this castle, and she’s too busy crying in the living room at 3am to worry about whatever the fuck you’re doing up there

this isn’t *as much* of a nuisance to the other person in my house that happens to sleep like a brick from 10pm-5am, but to me, a person with a very similar lifestyle to a raccoon, i am in hell

oh no

like the fanciest mustards are just…seeds and liquid, not even blended up. like did you even try

wait. it’s not a tweet here. what is it? i just realized i don’t know

this will be the tweet that multiple hiring managers hold against me in the future i just know it

god there’s a minute chance my trip next week might get canceled and i’m more than a little hopeful that it actually happens, i’m not feeling it anymore lol