People ask me who I think the greatest standup comic of all time is and gun to my head, I gotta say it’s Carlin.
On account of the guy with the gun is always a big Carlin fan.

In retrospect, I should have sued for custody of Jeffrey.

Too many brain-puddinged clip-level-knowledgebase retards thinking they see an easy moral high ground.

Now and then I lie awake and regret not having sued for custody of that skeleton.

Group member acquaintance: Does it impact your personal relationships, turning every little thing into a bit?
Me (in the middle of my biggest heartbreak arc ever): ZING! Good one buddy lol I’m gonna get a drink want anything?

Ever be in a conversation and in your head be like “this is so hacky”

I have a Pavlovian response where anytime someone describes the proper use or function of a semi colon I want to kill myself.

His American sentences have semi colons; he’s a douchebag.

Okay but when does the tightness in the chest wear off? Asking for my worst enemy (me)

What wave of feminism is it when you go down on your fleshlight?

I used to have a plastic human skeleton in my apartment named Jeffery.

Three hundred characters. huh… idk… it’s fine, I guess? Rounder, I guess? Idk… there was just something that felt kinda nice about two hundred and forty of something. Maybe I’m just getting old and curmudgeonly. Maybe I’m just pretentious…