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thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton
@thebeaverton.com
55K followers 21 following 880 posts
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 42m
New episode available everywhere now.
-Carney and Trump's suspiciously positive meeting
-Danielle Smith double dog dares Carney to build a pipeline
-Alberta teacher's strike
+More!
Spotify: open.spotify.com/episode/4IFf...
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thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 21h
A satirical news headline reading: Trump on 51st State: “Canada needs America’s protection from countries like America”
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thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 1d
Alberta government to ban the number 58,008 in schools
Alberta government to ban the number 58,008 in schools
CALGARY — With the province's teachers on strike, Danielle Smith’s UCP government has tabled new legislation banning the use of the number 58,008, in order to “protect Alberta’s most precious resource...
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thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 1d
Connor McDavid signs two-year, $25M deferral of Leafs fans’ speculation
Connor McDavid signs two-year, $25M deferral of Leafs fans’ speculation
EDMONTON – Connor McDavid and the Maple Leafs fanbase have agreed to a two-year, $25 million deferral of all overoptimistic conjecture about the Oilers captain one day signing with Toronto. The contra...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 1d
Optometrists finally admit there is no difference between one and two
Optometrists finally admit there is no difference between one and two
Welland, ON – In a big win for optometry patients around the country, the nation’s eye doctors have finally come clean, admitting there is no difference between lens number one and lens number two.
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 1d
Nobel Prize in Medicine awarded to hospital administrators for breakthroughs in surliness
Nobel Prize in Medicine awarded to hospital administrators for breakthroughs in surliness
OSLO - Today the Nobel committee announced that they have awarded this year’s prize in Physiology or Medicine to everyone who works as an administrator in a hospital for breakthroughs in surliness and...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 1d
Get more from The Beaverton on Patreon
Creating a satirical news empire that makes our enemies tremble
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 1d
Barron knows cyber.
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 1d
Entire Trump Gaza Plan just QR code linking to Nobel Peace Prize nomination site
Entire Trump Gaza Plan just QR code linking to Nobel Peace Prize nomination site
WASHINGTON D.C. - With representatives of the Israeli government, as well as Hamas, meeting to discuss a potential U.S.-brokered peace, delegates have reportedly been surprised to find that the entire...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 2d
Breaking: so it is possible for a homegrown star to succeed in playoffs despite Toronto fans, media
Breaking: so it is possible for a homegrown star to succeed in playoffs despite Toronto fans, media
TORONTO – Vladimir Guerrero Jr. has led the Blue Jays to a 2-0 series lead over the New York Yankees, proving that it actually is possible for a Toronto athlete to perform well in the playoffs despite...
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thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 2d
Police recommend calling 911 a few days before crime

www.thebeaverton.com/2025/10/poli...
Police recommend calling 911 a few days before crime
TORONTO  - Toronto Police announced a bold new initiative aimed at streamlining emergency response and reducing delays due to 911 hold times. The public is now encouraged to call 911 several days in a...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 2d
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 3d
Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already
Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already
COPENHAGEN – An international coalition of scientists with expertise in quantum mechanics, wave theory and atomic structure have assembled at the Nils Bohr Institute and announced plans to tackle the ...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 4d
Israel reports they have found “missing” Greta Thunberg safe and invited her for fun, mandatory sleepover
Israel reports they have found “missing” Greta Thunberg safe and invited her for fun, mandatory sleepover
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL - The government of Israel reports that it has intercepted a flotilla of boats, containing among others Greta Thunberg, which was in fact en route for a long-scheduled sleepover party...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 4d
Conservative pundit decries rising divorce rate in his house
Conservative pundit decries rising divorce rate in his house
OTTAWA - Right wing pundit and columnist Hank Vrinden has entered into the increasingly heated conversation among conservative activists and commentators about the breakdown of traditional family valu...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 4d
The Riyadh Comedy Festival was awesome. With @nileseguin.bsky.social @mmmegan.bsky.social and @clareblackwood.bsky.social
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 5d
“I know it’s only the Preseason but…” says hockey fan about to make the dumbest prediction of all time
"I know it's only the Preseason but..." says hockey fan about to make the dumbest prediction of all time
TORONTO – As the pre-season winds down hockey fans are using the preamble “I know it’s only the preseason but” to unleash their wildest and dumbest takes. “I know it’s only the Preseason buuuuuuuutttt...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 5d
Economy stalls as Canada Post strike prevents grandmothers from mailing birthday money
Economy stalls as Canada Post strike prevents grandmothers from mailing birthday money
OTTAWA - The ongoing Canada Post strike has impacted the ability of grandmothers across the nation to send you "a few dollars" on your birthday, which has been discovered to be a crucial cornerstone o...
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Reposted by The Beaverton
thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 8d
Riyadh Comedy Festival opens with up-and-coming executioner
Riyadh Comedy Festival opens with up-and-coming executioner
RIYADH, KSA – As Saudi Arabia’s new comedy festival welcomes talent from around the world, local executioner Imad Usman is excited for the opportunity to perform in front of larger audiences.
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thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 6d
Podcast: Trump promises shutdown will not impact essential U.S. government services like Bombings and Coups
Trump promises shutdown will not impact essential U.S. government services like Bombings and Coups
“Don’t worry, we still have enough funds to indiscriminately bomb people on small boats near the coast of Venezuela.” Luke and the Panel (Nile Seguin, Clare Blackwood, Megan MacKay) talk about Trump’s...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 6d
New Tron movie looks pretty co - aw, shit is Jared Leto in this?
New Tron movie looks pretty co - aw, shit is Jared Leto in this?
Saint John, New Brunswick - Initial excitement over the latest entry in Disney’s sci-fi Tron franchise was ruined when it was discovered it also stars Jared Leto. During a recent family movie night, a...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 6d
You won't believe who Trump wants to run Gaza. With @clareblackwood.bsky.social @nileseguin.bsky.social and @mmmegan.bsky.social
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 6d
5 tips to avoid conversations with other parents at the playground
5 tips to avoid conversations with other parents at the playground
Canadians are a friendly bunch, famous for our warmth and approachability. Despite this reputation, many of us find interactions with strangers painfully awkward. Among the worst kind is when our thou...
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The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 7d
New podcast available now!
-Donald Trump's plan to end the war in Gaza
-Mark Carney's plan to end Canada Post
-Blue Jays plan to end the Yankees
+ More!
Spotify: open.spotify.com/episode/4cZr...
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thebeaverton.com
The Beaverton @thebeaverton.com · 7d
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