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The Onion

@theonion.com

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The Onion @theonion.com · 4d

1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers on our new series: Encircled. Subscribe at https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ to get the paper delivered to your door.

The Onion @theonion.com · 10h

The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple.

The Onion @theonion.com · 10h

Show everyone you are smart despite your current salary.
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'Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween' Headline T-Shirt

The Onion @theonion.com · 11h

Everyone In Symphony Audience Has Finger Cocked Under Beer Can Tab For First Sign of Crescendo

The Onion @theonion.com · 11h

Ex-Quarterback Mark Sanchez Charged With Felony Battery
https://theonion.com/ex-quarterback-mark-sanchez-charged-with-felony-battery/

“Can we skip to the part where we get to dissect his brain?”

Margaret Yee, Banana Ripener

The Onion @theonion.com · 12h

Area Family Putting A Little Money Away To One Day Blow On Single Health Scare https://theonion.com/area-family-putting-a-little-money-away-to-one-day-blow-1819575678/

Area Family Putting A Little Money Away To One Day Blow On Single Health Scare

The Onion @theonion.com · 12h

Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back https://theonion.com/health-experts-recommend-standing-up-at-desk-leaving-o-1819577456/

Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back

The Onion @theonion.com · 13h

Forget everything you already know about America's most notorious dead person.

Watch Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile at Thursday, Oct. 9 at 7 p.m. ET/6 p.m. CT.

Only at The Onion on Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU.

The Onion @theonion.com · 14h

Tips For Making Friends As An Adult https://theonion.com/tips-for-making-friends-as-an-adult/

Tips For Making Friends As An Adult
Start calling your parents by their first names.

The Onion @theonion.com · 15h

U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat https://theonion.com/u-s-military-carries-out-strike-on-scuffy-the-tugboat/

U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat
Pentagon Claims Little Red Vessel Working With ‘Narco-Terrorists’

The Onion @theonion.com · 16h

Zebras Nature's Ultimate Prey - Horrifying Planet - Ep 1

The Onion @theonion.com · 16h

$1 Million In Coins Recovered From Spanish Shipwreck
https://theonion.com/1-million-in-coins-recovered-from-spanish-shipwreck/

“Good luck getting a vending machine to take them.”

Elliot Martz, Hammer Tester

The Onion @theonion.com · 17h

Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career https://theonion.com/slipknot-travels-to-india-to-begin-psychedelic-free-love-phase-of-career/

Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Real Estate: Wouldst This Suit M’Lord?

Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but ’tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax and pass an evening’s time.

Reference #35615

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Onion shirts: A savvy buy for people with money and torsos.
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'America's Finest News Source Since 1988' Retro T-Shirt

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress https://theonion.com/family-watches-in-silence-as-dad-checks-out-waitress-1819575716/

Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums https://theonion.com/nobel-prize-in-medicine-awarded-to-tums/

Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord’s Visit https://theonion.com/meth-lab-straightened-up-ahead-of-landlords-visit/

Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord’s Visit

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Trump Announces TrumpRx Website For Prescription Drugs https://theonion.com/trump-announces-trumprx-website-for-prescription-drugs/

“Thanks, but the pills I buy at the gas station are already pretty cheap.”

Tanner Mills, Historical Preserver

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-gets-cold-feet-after-listening-to-new-taylor-swift-album/

Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Dickhead In Sanchez Jersey Turns Out To Be Mark Sanchez

Dickhead In Sanchez Jersey Turns Out To Be Mark Sanchez

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Breach Party

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Army Program Pairs Female Soldiers With Male Chaperones

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Stephen King Most Banned Author In U.S. Schools
https://theonion.com/stephen-king-most-banned-author-in-u-s-schools/

“That’s what happens when school boards get taken over by Crichton fundamentalists.”

Andre Ferguson, Cupcake Filler

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam https://theonion.com/starbucks-awarded-5-billion-contract-to-explore-military-applications-of-cold-foam/

Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam

The Onion @theonion.com · 1d

Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers https://theonion.com/netflix-now-requiring-all-subscribers-to-recruit-5-new-customers/

Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers