And I keep on going back. And I’ll probably keep on going back. Trying to change the culture. Make a shift in the nonprofit/funding culture. There are some funders who just give the money, who just want it to be used on those who need it, who are interested in mutual aid and decolonizing nonprofits.

And then once you’ve used the money, helped the people, you have to get testimonies. Get pictures. Get proof. Get people to basically say, “thank you so very much for saving me, my saviors!” All for reports, for publicity. For clout. But that’s so gross. So icky. So performative.

And then once you do get the money, the VERY SPECIFIC way you have to use the money. Only for certain people, only for certain situations. You can’t simply just use the money for the people who need it right in front of you. They have meet certain criteria even if they actually have the need.

The amount of hurdles you have jump through. The amount of “proving” yourself to get the money to help people. The pandering, the begging. The red tape, bureaucratic hoops, endless meetings and echo chambers.

I’ve seen real help and work get done. Real people affected. Real lives changed. That being said, I’ve seen not nearly enough work get done with the amount of resources that are available.

Mostly because I keep on forming deep connections with my coworkers and have seen the work that gets done when we all care about something.