Does anybody have that one person in their lives that has the craziest things happen to them and they’re always super casual about it? Like my dad sent my mom and I this photo in the middle of the work day and said “look at this guy!” And the guy is Shaq.

If empathy is a sin, I am going directly to the hell I don’t believe in. Which will probably look a lot like this moment in time anyway.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be on Microsoft Word.

Unfortunately, though I have not fucked around, I continuously find out.

My friend was asking where to find tepid water at work. I was no help. ✨burn me✨ spaghetti water.

I had a nightmare that I opened the trunk of my minivan and discovered that I had left the Thanksgiving groceries in the car, on a 65° day. It’s a nice break from my home invasion nightmare, but what does it MEAN?

The amount of times I’ve almost been hit by a car in a parking lot: 300,578
The amount of times I HAVE been hit by a car in a parking lot: 3
That second number is still too high. I fear I am actually invisible.

Wicked update: I laughed, I sobbed, I gasped so hard when the ✨surprise✨ happened that I almost choked. 10/10. I will be insufferable until Part 2.

Are all the former theater kids also seeing Wicked today with their parents, husband, and kids because they have built their army of theater people 525,600 minutes at a time, keeping their hand at the level of their eye, to culminate in this moment of defying gravity as one with overpriced popcorn?

I’d like to issue a formal apology to the entire Midwest for the cold front that my mom says I brought on because I was ranting about climate change and the temperature being 65° at the end of November. My bad guys.

✨texts to my coworker bestie✨
I, in fact, find myself hysterical.

The other morning my 9 year old said “why does my bed feel like rocks at night, but clouds when I have to get up?” and I’ve never heard a more accurate description.