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TornWires
@tornwires.com
32 followers 13 following 48 posts
tornwires.com is an international news satire website that publishes the most outrageous breaking news.
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Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth Says “Watching Boat Strikes Is as Boring as Watching Paint Dry”
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Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth Says “Watching Boat Strikes Is as Boring as Watching Paint Dry”
WASHINGTON — Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth expressed deep disappointment Thursday morning after witnessing what he described as “one of the dullest explosions I’ve ever seen,” following a U...
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December 5, 2025 at 5:17 PM
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India’s Required Cybersecurity App Is “Certainly Not a Risk to Privacy,” Says Indian Government
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India’s Required Cybersecurity App Is “Certainly Not a Risk to Privacy,” Says Indian Government
New Delhi — The Indian government has ordered that all new smartphones come pre-loaded with a state-run cybersecurity app, assuring the public there is absolutely nothing to worry about as long as the...
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December 5, 2025 at 5:16 PM
tornwires.com
Pope Warns ‘Future of Humanity at Stake,’ Aides Admit He Also Says This When Cell Phone Reception Gets Spotty
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Pope Warns ‘Future of Humanity at Stake,’ Aides Admit He Also Says This When Cell Phone Reception Gets Spotty
ANKARA — Pope Leo XIV, on his first foreign trip as pontiff, issued a dire warning Thursday that the world is entering a period of “heightened global conflict,” solemnly declaring that “the future of ...
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December 1, 2025 at 1:02 PM
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White House Denies Russia Wrote Peace Plan for Ukraine War, Claims They Only ‘Did the Outline’
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White House Denies Russia Wrote Peace Plan for Ukraine War, Claims They Only ‘Did the Outline’
WASHINGTON — After a wave of public backlash over oddly specific Russian idioms appearing throughout President Trump’s newly unveiled U.S. “peace plan” for Ukraine, the White House forcefully denied a...
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November 26, 2025 at 8:10 PM
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“I was writing my wife letters while serving in the war,” said one former soldier who escaped the battlefield. “She just kept sending letters asking ‘how is it possible your still alive?’”
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Russian Soldiers Complain That Wives Show More Enthusiasm for Death Benefits Than Marriage Itself
As a result of the Russia-Ukraine War women in Russia have been lining up to marry Russian soldiers. However, many Russian men have been disappointed to find out that their new wives are more interest...
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November 24, 2025 at 4:50 PM
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Democrats Tell Troops to Follow the Constitution; Trump Responds by Adding It to the Banned Books List
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Democrats Tell Troops to Follow the Constitution; Trump Responds by Adding It to the Banned Books List
In a move that historians are already describing as “somehow both predictable and profoundly stupid,” President Donald Trump has added the U.S. Constitution to his official list of banned books, after...
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November 21, 2025 at 4:27 PM
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Trump to Saudi Crown Prince “I wish I could kill a few Washington Post Journalists”
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Trump to Saudi Crown Prince “I wish I could kill a few Washington Post Journalists”
During Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s recent visit to Washington, President Donald Trump told the crown prince that he “wishes he could get away with killing a few Washington Post journalist...
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November 21, 2025 at 2:14 PM
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E.U. Debates Whether Aid Should Go to Ukraine or Directly to the Corrupt Officials, Saving Everyone Time
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E.U. Debates Whether Aid Should Go to Ukraine or Directly to the Corrupt Officials, Saving Everyone Time
BRUSSELS — In a refreshing moment of bureaucratic honesty, European Union (EU) officials admitted they are considering sending future Ukraine aid packages straight to the corrupt officials who would u...
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November 20, 2025 at 6:54 PM
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Leaked: Trump has Shrine to Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping in Oval Office
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Leaked: Trump has Shrine to Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping in Oval Office – TornWires
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to an anonymous White House staffer, President Trump has erected a shrine to Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Xi Jinping behind his desk in the Oval ...
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November 4, 2025 at 3:11 PM
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When asked about one message in the chat depicting a photoshopped image of Martin Luther King Jr. holding a Confederate flag, Vance responded, “You know, context matters...”
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JD Vance Defends 30 Year-olds’ Racist Group Texts: ‘Hey, We All Passed Notes About Swastikas in Fourth Grade’
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance downplayed messages in a Young Republicans group chat this week, equating racist texts sent by adults in their thirties to notes being passed in class by fourth gr...
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October 17, 2025 at 10:05 PM
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Trump Admits He Does Not Know Definition of the Word ‘Christian’ tornwires.com/trump-admits...
Trump Admits He Does Not Know Definition of the Word ‘Christian’
WASHINGTON - During a speech held at the White House, President Trump, who claims to have never asked Jesus Christ for forgiveness of his sins, claimed he has never heard of the word “Christian” nor d...
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October 14, 2025 at 1:18 PM
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Putin Denies Involvement in Political Opponent’s Death, Cites “Rare Condition Where People Fall 70 Feet Out of Windows”
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Putin Denies Involvement in Political Opponent’s Death, Cites “Rare Condition Where People Fall 70 Feet Out of Windows”
MOSCOW — Responding to growing speculation over the mysterious death of opposition figure and former newspaper publisher Vyacheslav Leontyev, Russian President Vladimir Putin assured reporters that th...
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October 8, 2025 at 2:04 PM
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Name Change to Department of War Postponed Due to Government Shutdown
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Name Change to Department of War Postponed Due to Government Shutdown
WASHINGTON — The long-awaited rebranding of the Department of Defense to its more honest title, the Department of War, has been delayed, not due to any moral reckoning or sudden outbreak of self-aware...
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October 7, 2025 at 12:37 PM
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White House Has Contingency Plan in Case the Rapture Happens and Trump Gets Left Behind
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White House Has Contingency Plan in Case the Rapture Happens and Trump Gets Left Behind
WASHINGTON — According to an anonymous source in the White House, the Trump Administration has quietly developed a contingency plan in case the Rapture, a biblical event where devout Christians ascend...
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September 23, 2025 at 7:31 PM
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Trump Renames Pentagon ‘Department of War,’ Says Defense Is for Losers
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Trump Renames Pentagon ‘Department of War,’ Says Defense Is for Losers
WASHINGTON - President Trump signed an executive order Friday morning to rename the Department of Defense to the Department of War, a move that is estimated to cost the government $4 million over the ...
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September 5, 2025 at 9:18 PM
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CEO Says Company’s Benefits Package Includes Dental, Vision, and Not Starving to Death
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CEO Says Company’s Benefits Package Includes Dental, Vision, and Not Starving to Death
SAN FRANCISCO - Recently announced startup Meridian Technologies, a call center and sales company, revealed they are hiring for their marketing and business development teams. According to an intervie...
tornwires.com
September 2, 2025 at 8:20 PM
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White House Plans to Buy Majority Stake of Netflix to Ensure Citizens Watch Only Government Approved TV Series and Movies
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White House Plans to Buy Majority Stake of Netflix to Ensure Citizens Watch Only Government Approved TV Series and Movies
WASHINGTON - After buying a 10% stake of Intel, the Trump Administration has announced their plan to buy a majority stake of Netflix with Trump vowing to “end the liberal streaming agenda once and for...
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August 28, 2025 at 5:00 PM
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Trump Nationalizes D.C. Police to Protect City From Jaywalking Epidemic
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Trump Nationalizes D.C. Police to Protect City From Jaywalking Epidemic
WASHINGTON - In an effort to crack down on what Trump described as “the disgusting, liberal epidemic of jaywalking,” the president has nationalized the DC Metropolitan Police. The announcement was mad...
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August 25, 2025 at 12:17 PM
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Local Man Achieves Financial Freedom by Dying
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Local Man Achieves Financial Freedom by Dying
COLUMBUS, Ohio — In an inspiring story of determination and rigorously poor financial planning, 38-year-old Greg Halvorsen finally achieved the elusive dream of financial freedom, by ceasing to exist....
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June 19, 2025 at 2:45 PM
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Interview: Trump Says He’s Not on Epstein’s List, Suggests Musk ‘Went Crazy’
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Interview: Trump Says He’s Not on Epstein’s List, Suggests Musk ‘Went Crazy’
Torn Wires sat down with Trump for a 25-minute interview, portions of which are transcribed.
tornwires.com
June 10, 2025 at 9:24 PM
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Israel and Hamas Peace Talks to Be Held as Soon as Both Sides Finish Making the Situation Unpeaceful
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Israel and Hamas Peace Talks to Be Held as Soon as Both Sides Finish Making the Situation Unpeaceful
TEL AVIV, Israel — In an attempt to make the world a more peaceful place, Israel and Hamas have announced plans to hold peace talks immediately after both sides are finished actively making the situat...
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May 28, 2025 at 1:17 PM
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Trump Deports CNN Reporter to El Salvadorian Prison for Asking Tough Question at Press Conference
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Trump Deports CNN Reporter to El Salvadorian Prison for Asking Tough Question at Press Conference
WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump this week ordered the deportation of CNN White House correspondent James Costa directly into an El Salvadorian maximum-security prison after the reporter had the au...
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May 3, 2025 at 1:13 PM
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Local Man Bravely Fights Inflation by Not Paying His Friends Back
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Local Man Bravely Fights Inflation by Not Paying His Friends Back
BOSTON - Local man Kyle Henderson has found a way to personally combat inflation. He simply never reimburses his friends. "They say the dollar doesn't stretch like it used to," Kyle explained while s...
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April 11, 2025 at 3:48 PM
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Parents Tell Four-Year-Old She's Not Special, Just 'Adequate Enough to Pay Rent Someday'
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Parents Tell Four-Year-Old She's Not Special, Just 'Adequate Enough to Pay Rent Someday'
SEATTLE, WA - Tired of their four-year-old daughter "bragging" about wanting to be a princess, local mother Mindy Pinkerton and father Daniel Pinkerton crushed their daughters hopes and dreams by expl...
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April 10, 2025 at 6:09 PM
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Economists Warn Tariffs May Increase Prices, Trump Says: “Just Stop Buying Stuff”
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Economists Warn Tariffs May Increase Prices, Trump Says: “Just Stop Buying Stuff”
As economists across the country raise alarms over the potential cost of President Donald Trump’s latest round of proposed tariffs, the president offered a characteristically unconventional solution o...
tornwires.com
April 5, 2025 at 6:13 PM