Trace Mitchell
@tracethelaw.bsky.social
Congressional Attorney. Formerly with Senator Rand Paul, Institute for Justice, NetChoice, and Mercatus. Policy, Public-Interest Litigation, Puns. Opinions are bad, but my own.
Why is it so hard to take a good photo of a wheat field?
The image is always grainy.
The image is always grainy.
January 12, 2026 at 3:25 PM
Why is it so hard to take a good photo of a wheat field?
The image is always grainy.
The image is always grainy.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, I keep singing the bare naked ladies.
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
January 9, 2026 at 1:49 PM
Forgive me father for I have sinned, I keep singing the bare naked ladies.
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession.
Me: It’s been....
My friend asked me how long I was going to stand in line waiting for Eminem tickets.
I said, “Till I collapse”
I said, “Till I collapse”
January 3, 2026 at 4:18 PM
My friend asked me how long I was going to stand in line waiting for Eminem tickets.
I said, “Till I collapse”
I said, “Till I collapse”
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
January 2, 2026 at 7:35 PM
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
40 kids is way too many by any standard.
I prefer my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
It’s butter that way.
December 30, 2025 at 5:32 PM
I prefer my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
It’s butter that way.
Why did Santa’s least productive helper go to the therapist?
He had low elf-esteem.
He had low elf-esteem.
December 25, 2025 at 5:52 PM
Why did Santa’s least productive helper go to the therapist?
He had low elf-esteem.
He had low elf-esteem.
I quit my job as a mailman on my first day when they handed me a letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
December 22, 2025 at 7:10 PM
I quit my job as a mailman on my first day when they handed me a letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Why did I become an editor?
Well, to make a long story short...
Well, to make a long story short...
December 21, 2025 at 6:38 PM
Why did I become an editor?
Well, to make a long story short...
Well, to make a long story short...
I can’t stand calculus jokes.
They’re all too derivative.
They’re all too derivative.
December 19, 2025 at 7:06 PM
I can’t stand calculus jokes.
They’re all too derivative.
They’re all too derivative.
When measuring the circumference of a pie, one pie is simply not enough.
2πr.
2πr.
December 9, 2025 at 3:37 PM
When measuring the circumference of a pie, one pie is simply not enough.
2πr.
2πr.
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
December 8, 2025 at 7:14 PM
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
Well, on the one hand, you have a watch.
And on the other hand...
My professor asked me if I was ignorant or just apathetic.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
December 6, 2025 at 5:47 PM
My professor asked me if I was ignorant or just apathetic.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
I told him I don’t know and I don’t care.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because it’s non-stick.
Because it’s non-stick.
December 4, 2025 at 1:58 PM
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because it’s non-stick.
Because it’s non-stick.
I made a chicken salad today.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
December 3, 2025 at 3:01 PM
I made a chicken salad today.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
The ungrateful jerk didn’t even eat it.
I really want to learn how to juggle.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.
December 1, 2025 at 3:23 PM
I really want to learn how to juggle.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.
I just don’t have the balls to do it.
I recently adopted a pet termite and named him Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
Clint Eatswood.
November 29, 2025 at 2:22 PM
I recently adopted a pet termite and named him Clint.
Clint Eatswood.
Clint Eatswood.
I was offered a job yesterday but I turned it down because they wanted to pay me in vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.
The celery was unacceptable.
November 27, 2025 at 7:24 PM
I was offered a job yesterday but I turned it down because they wanted to pay me in vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.
The celery was unacceptable.
After hours of playing it on repeat, my friend asked me if we could finally stop listening to Wonderwall.
I said maybe...
I said maybe...
November 26, 2025 at 5:23 PM
After hours of playing it on repeat, my friend asked me if we could finally stop listening to Wonderwall.
I said maybe...
I said maybe...
I have been trying to advance a new theory on inertia.
Sadly, it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
Sadly, it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
November 25, 2025 at 7:19 PM
I have been trying to advance a new theory on inertia.
Sadly, it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
Sadly, it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
My fiancée asked me how I’d feel if she started making whiskey.
I said I’d love her still.
I said I’d love her still.
November 24, 2025 at 2:36 PM
My fiancée asked me how I’d feel if she started making whiskey.
I said I’d love her still.
I said I’d love her still.
I was freaking out the other day because one of my citations had too many coauthors in it and I didn’t know what to do.
But it turned out to be no problem et al.
But it turned out to be no problem et al.
November 23, 2025 at 5:29 PM
I was freaking out the other day because one of my citations had too many coauthors in it and I didn’t know what to do.
But it turned out to be no problem et al.
But it turned out to be no problem et al.
I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.
Oh, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Oh, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
November 22, 2025 at 4:44 PM
I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician.
Oh, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Oh, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Need an ark to survive a global flood?
I Noah guy.
I Noah guy.
November 19, 2025 at 5:59 PM
Need an ark to survive a global flood?
I Noah guy.
I Noah guy.
My friend tried to convince me that deontology is the correct moral philosophy.
I Kant even.
I Kant even.
November 17, 2025 at 2:40 PM
My friend tried to convince me that deontology is the correct moral philosophy.
I Kant even.
I Kant even.
Did you hear that a new Lego store is opening?
I can really feel the anticipation building.
People are lined up for blocks.
I can really feel the anticipation building.
People are lined up for blocks.
November 12, 2025 at 3:26 PM
Did you hear that a new Lego store is opening?
I can really feel the anticipation building.
People are lined up for blocks.
I can really feel the anticipation building.
People are lined up for blocks.