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val-uwu.bsky.social
@val-uwu.bsky.social
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val-uwu.bsky.social
one lil fireball got me wagging my tail and barking n shit smh
December 25, 2025 at 2:33 AM
val-uwu.bsky.social
cw: substance abuse, suicide, existential spiral

tbh i had NO intention to post this. i had; to say the least; a bad night recently, and wrote this. i feel really compelled to share it somehow and am worried i'll make my friends spiral lol. just hoping someone will resonate with it, i suppose.
quoted text "manufactured pleasantries, is a good way of putting it. a soulless reassurance, a happy advertiser friendly smile, satisfaction or your money back. no mention of time, willingness, or the false hope you invested thinking you finally found the product that'll make you never look back. i watched something today that mentioned complex systems as a concept, with what could effectively be summarized as "socioeconomics" as an example. all these little moving parts making one grand whole. the labor fuels the supply, supply fuels the economy, economy fuels the government, government provides for the laborers, etcetc.. all these little parts so easy to simplify, creating one huge, complicated and difficult to reasonably explain in one sitting; machine. i was raised to believe that i was to exist as a part of this machine, and that this machine existed for me. ive come to understand that that's simply not true. im not sure anyone knows who the machine is for anymore. all we know is that its running. all we know is its the reason at least SOME of us are fed, housed, clothed, mended, etc. all we know is that stopping means slamming the brakes on something with so much forward momentum that an irrefutable amount of innocent people would be thrown through the windshield. some brakes are already being pressed; however, somehow; as are many ignorant accelerators." quoted text "being a part of this machine has torn me apart, shown me my utter lack of conventional value in relation to it. its shown me that my identity is alien in the face of such a terrifying majority of these people. it's shown me that everything i am simply isn't enough. its shown me that im either a cog, or im worth no such food, clothing, housing, or healthcare. i am one of the cogs that makes those privileges a possibility in the first place. how backwards is that? a system that needs everything i am to even BEGIN to accommodate me. created by people that decided i was worth as such before i was even born. people with the luxury and the lavish existence i can only hope to achieve. that i can only achieve by gritting my teeth until im more than a cog. intertwine myself with this hell more than my birth has already achieved. a cog in the machine of manufactured pleasantries. a cog in horrible fucking conglomerates telling me "thanks for shopping with us!" every. fucking. day. of my life. a cog in cute packaging, doorbusting deals, in hoping i had a pleasant experience with my service. a service executed by a chain of a dozen other cogs, most; im sure; just as suicidal as i am. everyone i know either wants to die actively, has wanted to die, or has entertained the thought of it. how is any of this pleasant? a plastic bag plastered with shitty, misaligned "THANK YOU" print does nothing but remind me that the people living luxuriously only care about now, and they don't care about anyone or anything but themselves. i have to care about living for the sake of my welfare, before my own sake. i have to care about living for ANYTHING other than myself first, if i even want the chance at improving my life. who is this god forsaken machine fucking running for? cause it hasn't been us for a very long time." quoted text "'Those nights spinning out of my head, sinking into the sofa. Broken glass in my palms. Bleeding dry the funniest thing ever. Old dogs laughing and snarling on a waterbed floor, mocking the moon for daring to show its face. All nausea and wreckage and vomit and ugly cruelty. The only problem in the world an empty bottle. Those were the best days of my life. Yeah. …Those were the best days of my life.' ...i always notice when i avoid looking at myself in the mirror. despite my unfaltering awareness of it, i can never bring myself to. i think it has to do with shame. i am drinking extract again tonight, after all. "rich, buttery smooth flavor." im not sure what im hoping to achieve. maybe i do need to be hospitalized again. that won't fulfill me though, i know it won't. just as much as i know that personal fulfillment is the only thing that can make this worth it. maybe I'll get there. but until i do, everythings made in china. everything's leaking when it shouldnt, everythings got an odd quirk to it cause it doesn't work quite right. everything is cheap, manufactured, and an embarrassing facsimile of leisure and homeyness that no machine will ever pin down." quoted text "until i can find fulfillment, im living in cheaply built and maintained efficiency housing, wall to wall neighbors with dozens of families, crammed together and getting along like stray dogs. quiet and non communal, silent in passing and focused on surviving if were anywhere but our kennels. until i find fulfillment im eating mystery meats and plastic foods like pizza rolls and ramen. because something is better than nothing, when nothing else i have access to financially sounds appetizing. until i find fulfillment im buying secondhand cars from people that don't even speak the same language as me, just so i can get to fucking work and see my friends regularly for a little while longer. until WE find fulfillment, im talking the one person I've loved the most; for 4 years now; down from suicide for millionth time this year. until i find fulfillment i wont be able to stop fucking thinking, every fucking second of every. fucking. day. i'll be overrun by all of my worst thoughts, screaming at me, begging me to end it in the face of everything i know im going to have to go through. until i find fulfillment ill never know when to expect my next night spent alone on the bathroom floor with alcohol. but as the record seems to show, ill know to expect it. until i find fulfillment i have the familiar disgust of a swig of hard liquor. and to think; on my way to finding fulfillment, what the hell is in store for me? a country criminalizing my existence? this bullshit machine to keep me company? the throws of addiction? working a job 5 days a week? nothing but fucking hardships for the foreseeable future, and all i seem to be able to do is fucking relapse. what a fucking opportunity, to be born into this world. given a chance at life, and to be fucking set up for this wretched, exploitational, existential wreck from day one. i feel like ive earned the fucking right to wallow in self pity every now and then. fucking more than earned it. i am pissed."
December 12, 2025 at 12:10 AM
Reposted
joanwestenberg.com
There's a whole generation that learned irony before sincerity and now they're trapped. Can't be earnest without a layer of self-deprecation. Can't be enthusiastic without signaling awareness of how cringe enthusiasm is.

The price of never being vulnerable is never connecting.
November 8, 2025 at 4:18 AM
val-uwu.bsky.social
just got my rabbits foot keychain from @mothsprout.bsky.social!!! they've got some really amazing designs, im absolutely in love with it. i bought it to give to my partner :3c

go buy their stuff!! lol <3<3<3
October 23, 2025 at 3:34 PM