I saw a bearded man, he was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with:
'I Like The Pope
The Pope Smokes Dope'

He might want to leave a window open too. I had a friend who came home to find that the large extractor fan halfway up his kitchen wall had been carefully dismantled and placed on the path. He said that they can't have tried the door, as he hadn't locked it since he'd lost the key a few years back.

Incredible!

Oh.

That's a good thing, right?

Nearly got me killed by the Grifter boys and also nearly killed me.

A purple (not red like the picture, purple) Puch Pirate with whitewall tyres for me. Sigh.

You shouldn't encourage people who still think the moon's real. It just reinforces their belief system.

Simply wear a sombrero whenever you leave the house at night. Any worms will most likely land on that and due to the wide brim obscuring your view, a skilful owl will be able to silently retrieve it without any interruption to your evening.

A great theory. I wonder if the owl considered an attempt to retrieve its treat.

There's a postscript to the story. Probably a coincidence and it was a long time before I even noticed the possible connection. A few years later my mum died in a tragic accident, when she fell down the stairs of our house.

She assumed that he had changed his mind and had gone back inside. I'm sure you can guess the gist of the rest. Later that day, one of our other neighbours popped round and told us that the man had passed away the night before.

My mum, arriving home from work, drove past their house, she was pleased, but slightly concerned to see the man coming out of his house on his own, navigating the steep steps. She drove round the corner, parked up and by the time she was in front of his house again there was no sign of him.

The second encounter was in the village where we'd lived for 30 years. None of us had seen one of our neighbours for some time. He was now presumably in his late 70s or 80s and he lived with his son who we'd see most days, pottering around in the front garden.

They passed on the stairs and mum greeted her, but Mary didn't acknowledge her. At the beginning of the session the tutor welcomed them all, but said that she had a sad announcement. Mary's family had been in touch to say that she had passed away.

My mum specialised in this kind of encounter. The first time was in her twenties. She'd enrolled in a pottery evening class. One of her classmates, an elderly lady called Mary, hadn't attended for a couple of weeks. So when mum arrived she was pleased to Mary walking downstairs from the pottery.

He swore by it. For context, the guy is an idiot in many ways and pretty much a genius in others. So I wouldn't be that surprised if it doesn't work and you hurt your neck, but I'd give it a try nevertheless.

I know someone who does a lot of snorkelling and he once told me that in these circumstances you need to stand on one leg, using the leg on the same side as the flooded ear. Then tilt your head sideways so that your ear is as close as possible to being parallel with the ground. Now hop vigorously.

At our local cinema the projectionist would often head out for a pint after starting the first reel. He'd then lose track of time and someone would be sent off to find him when we got bored of waiting for the second reel.