essa era triste da minha vida finalmente teve um fim. não tenho nada que me vincule a nossa abusadora mais. eu posso voltar a ser amiga de alguém q sempre foi cuidadosa com a gente.

o que eu mais quero, é que elas não relapsem q nem a gente acabou fazendo, várias vezes. toda vez só foi pior.

era tanta preocupação que agora eu não preciso ter. com duas pessoas já é uma coincidência e se eu tivesse coragem de perguntar o Chris tenho certeza q formaria um padrão.

que elas tenham um grupo de suporte, e que isso nunca mais aconteça com elas, pq isso não é algo q eu desejo nem pra quem causou essa dor em tanta gente.

"Bitch stop talking to me I blocked you on SS7"

its like having a long running orphan rogue process that was consuming way too much resources then needed finally getting SIGABRT'd by the kernel, i could and will use all of this mental space somewhere else.

no more checking for messages that wont ever come. stable predictable environment. mutual understanding. a complete lack of needless fights. not hurting ourselves for someone else's neuropathological condition.

in short, what we wanted when we left our parents' home last year.

if they get hurt i honestly couldn't care less. i hope they don't but they're on their own. i cant care for people that don't care for themselves.

now its just to continue with the plan of keeping going and we're as close as ever to having like minimal quantities of "being worried".

lessons were learned, i've recontextualized traumas and abuses we had since growing up and am far better prepared to stop this from ever happening again.

every single thing i predicted came true and honestly im glad it happened this way.

cada dia q passa eu só tenho a total e renitente certeza q tudo isso devia ter terminado em 9 de junho de 2023.

eu tenho q admitir uma coisa, é outro patamar.

rant is over. i'll go back to doing something else.

Finally at long fucking last.

"It's over. It's finally done."

I understand how he felt back then. I envy him for only spending 90 hours, instead of how many long I've tried to mend things by hurting myself for the greater good.

youtu.be/hSsV1xae_GM?...

Alice: And fuck does that make a lot of sense now that I think about it.

Alice: Holy fuck, it was you violet all along, you were the one that sounded like a psychologist.

The only way for me to not let this cycle continue is to keep nuance alive. But keeping contact with them is exhausting. It's exhausting cause I actually care about them, and I want for it to end so that we can just be a normal group of friends.

Just to see what I've already thought was happening months ago, now from the perspective of the ╳╳╳╳╳╳ instead of the ╳╳╳╳╳╳. And to know I can't help, I can't interfere.

And because nuance dies, I'm afraid to even speak to them, since I know I will not be understood. Until they reach out to me for whatever reason and nuance has a chance to live again and the cycle continues. I grow hope that things won't stay the same this time, just to be misled