You know how a lot of parents tell their babysitters to help themselves to any food in the house? Looking back I feel like my clients were like “wow she really took that seriously.”

Being an adult is just keeping a lid on like 97% of your tantrums.

I’m going to print out a book of all my old tweets and call it “Twitter.”

Do people with coke nails know they don’t have to do that?

But that’s my emotional support remote control…

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be a dick.

Have you ever met someone with a great attitude it’s very upsetting

I hope when I die it's senseless so they'll name a law after me.

Okay so like when priests sign their priest contracts or whatever there’s a clause in there saying that they can’t have sex (vow of celibacy). Why not add a line like “including but not limited to little boys”? Problem solved?