either way i'm still glad that I managed to have this big talk with all of us alters and im hoping it won't stop at just that and go back to nothing after this

the constant work and effort we have to do just to feel like ourselves and not completely disconnected is so hard i wish it was easier

I guess really it's all just a roundabout way of describing my brand of dissociation. I've been pointing at this stuff in various ways, I know what it looks like, what I think of it as in my head, what it's represented by in my personal little collection of symbols and motifs or whatever

there have been times where it got so bad that it would physically make me unable to speak, or make me want to hurt myself immediately the second i did say anything or think about anything that felt significant

this awful self-effacing feeling spreading from inside and rendering me paralyzed

This feeling that we're not real, that we're nothing, that nothing about us is worth thinking about or saying or discussing with anyone, that there is no point or good reason to do anything and that if we do it we're only wasting our and everyone else's time

that it would be better without us

its not even like any of us in the system can really attribute that feeling to ourselves. Hell, even the most concerning unhealthiest guy in there still doesn't say or believe any of that

It really is just this haunting noise cloud permeating through everything and preventing us from doing anything

no one is actively making me feel this way, but the experiences accumulated over the years probably ended up giving me this internalized overly critical, skeptical, always doubting sort of feeling nagging at me

making me feel fake and wrong and unhealthy even when trying to get better

like i don't know why it felt so wrong when I know we should be proud of ourselves for doing it, it's like there's a weird urge or mindset i can feel pressing against us from the outside that it's wrong for us to actually talk or get along or be aware or make any sort of progress

At the end of the day even if someone knew about me being a system, it'll never really mean they got to know all or most of us, and ultimately we will be thought of as just

"the coping mechanisms of that one guy"

they only get to see us as secondary to who they first met which isn't even anyone

It's not like it's just a problem for after I die, I already feel like this now. I already feel incredibly isolated from others and even from close friends or family because it is essentially impossible for all of me to forge actual connections or be acknowledged as a real person

It just makes me sad that after everything is said and done there are just literally several people that will never be mourned by about 95% of the people that will mourn whoever I've had to present as in their eyes.

Like don't get me wrong, the sad fact that no one will truly ever get to fully know about all the different aspects to a person's life and thoughts is universal

But being a system makes this a level of specificity that can't be equated to being the same thing to me

the silly part is these glasses are pretty much property of one of us specifically, and he likes to wear them when fronting (which hasn't happened in forever).

I'm lowkey wondering if it'll bring him out by accident.

it was generally a bit of an unsettling experience and i never felt safe, even though I could roam around while floating, as i often do in my dreams, especially when i'm lucid. It just had this vibe of "everyone is out to get you" to it I guess? Any of the people I saw seemed on edge and dangerous