Turn your Cabbage Patch Kid into a Coleslaw Patch Kid with nothing more than a wood chipper and a gallon of mayonnaise.

I haven't got time for the pain, but the pain is oblivious. The pain is a close-talker with halitosis. The pain wants to tell me all about its political and religious views while bashing my own.

Feeling stressed? Relax by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs, and then lying there, refusing to move, even when the paramedics come, threatening to bite anyone who gets close to you. It's so fucking soothing.

I'd describe my personality as 24 mini poodles trapped in a bouncy castle.

It's 2025, yet I can't seem to locate the squid button on my microwave. What the hell, scientists?! Where are your priorities?!

#EmbarrassmentInChief 🤮

I might be burning the midnight oil at both ends of my gift horse, but I'm definitely not very good at metaphors.

🎶 She’s got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of a child who swallowed bees 🎵

I wore Halloween socks today, because I refuse to conform to society’s standards of fashion in the workplace.

Meta: “We built this platform for the people to have a voice”

Also Meta: “We will flag you for community guidelines violations when you use your voice”

Who left this tender heart smoothie in the fridge all week? Eve 6?? I know it was you, Eve 6.

Say what you will, but it was absolutely amazing how Mumford raised all those sons alone after Dadford left.