Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Pillows

@whisperpills.bsky.social

46 followers 46 following 68 posts

Most my art is @pillowdemon.bsky.social this is mostly my other venty stuff, and for a controlled feed of other/important content to me

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · 18d

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · 18d

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Sep 8

Failure, falling, ive lost a will in the discovery that what motivates me is from within, and i am too weak to keep it. I wish i could have it in me, and not have to trick myself into being a human.
I have nothing to share, nothing in my head, i am making myself a husk. Is it to be forgotten

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 24

Its less on if ill give up, but when

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 21

Brains at that point again, but now i dont even have distractions or problems, procrastinations in relation. No excuses for my misery i am in except for the obvious.

I say sad things with a smile in hopes people dont worry i will do something drastic, cause i wont, but its hard to be that way, on them and myself.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 19

Could really be anyone.
I see what i want to be, i feel how i want to feel. And the moment it slips, the mania ends.
I loose it all again.
It does not matter who.
It does not matter when.
It all ends.
And when i can hear myself again, i want to die.
I use inaction to prevent myself from making myself emotional. Its safe.
How could i do it again, how could i think it would be different, and why do i have to full fill it.
I need action to prove myself wrong, but the only action i have in me is tieing up the end.
I am young, know no one, know not even myself. I become manically interested and the moment its revealed it comes from within, the reality breaks, and the cycle of depression starts.

Thinking about ending things again, i wont, i cant, but its the back to the regular programming, drifting until it flips, or an accident knocks me out of my cycle, or takes my life and i can finally be forgotten.

I want to be forgotten.
I dont want to be forgotten.
I want to be forgotten.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 5

Lonely~Wanting to be alone
Both
Both
A flow
An ocean

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 5

Big sis

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 5

Just. Live your fucking life please, stop. Let nothing happen, let everything happen. Let your place in life happen, with family, or alone, or alone with family.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 5

What makes it hurt, is how it feels it could be real. That there is a chance. But often reality different. Do you really think groups could revolve around you. Would that even be good.
I know what i am thinking, maybe i could make it work. Why? Fucking let life happen. You have to let it happen.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 5

Family is real, friends are real
My perception of family(as a concept) with friend is not real. Dont let a thought control me. Theres nothing i can do but live, so just let myself live.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 5

I want it (me) to stop
You (me) to stop
It has to stop (since i can remember)

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 5

How to stop

I need to stop, i need to stop, its the same problem again and again, im sick of it, i hate it, once i feel it goes away it rears its ugly head. I want to be loved, i want to be cared for, i want to know someone cares about what i do, i want someone to like what i do, i want to share a space, to have someone to visit, i need space, my self.
Why do i want it so much, i dont even know what i like, i dont know them, stop it, i fucking hate it, i cant keep coming back here, time and again, with the same people, with new people, repeating the same thing. I cant any more, just give it up, move fucking on.
You torment yourself again and again, and when it gets granted, you torture yourself anew. You say you dont want things, so say you want things, what does it matter when you never live
You get into a relationship, and then you fucking die
You are not in a relationship, and you fucking die
You need to stop, you are good for no one. Not good for dating, not good for a friend.
Fucking stop it.
As long as you live this way, you will never know yourself, you will never find what makes you happy. Youll never get what you want.

Do i think wallowing will help me? Will change anything? That it will some how change how people will work?

Why cant it be simple, to live with those i feel free around, safe around, inspired by, everything from sex, to hearing people in the house while i sit by myself in the yard, knowing i have a group close, for anything, and for nothing. Its too much to ask for, simce i am the greatest problem in this. It all comes back to me

I dont think i desire a date, i think thats why i dont work romantically.
I want a family, not in the regular sense
Please stop
People are not like that
Please stop
Theres no one like this, a group, and what, with you at the center.
You think it would work that way. You think you wouldnt be left behind, as its not peoples job to care about you. Family forces them to care, what, you want to force people now?
Please stop

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Aug 4

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jul 28

Multitudes

Shame, Guilt, Numbness, anger.

Retrospection of betrayal, pains and confusion, emotions all at once, and a perceived normalcy.
It hurts not knowing what is real within the past, when its so full of repression, and guided dissolution. How much of it was me actively ignoring the red flags, how much was it me just wanting to feel wanted, how much was it not even my choice, how much was calculated, or just some sad attempt to helping with ulterior motives or actively trying to destabilize me. Did they capitalize of my unstable behaviour, did they know they almost enfluenced my death in many ways.
How much was it just me.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jun 24

Spinning spinning spinning spinning, never letting go for fear of missing something, and yet its holding on is making me dizzier by the minute.
I want to have a cohesive thought, a reason for every thing, i make them, i feign them, i beg for truths, confirmations to give me stability in theory, yet another question always remains after, a puzzle with no end.

The spin. At this point am i holding onto anything, am i clutching to dear life as i revolve around, or am i in the middle watching as the world revolve around me.

I struggle with letting go, so i hide, i hide from everything so i dont have to let go. Every moment in life something has to be let go, i never want to.

In nature it is everything and nothing, its endless ending and beginning. Within nature i am free and trapped, i can be like anyone, with no one to be. These photos capture what i felt when i saw it, but not what nature is. The photos are unremarkable, but just like nature with its two sides, are remarkable to me.

And one day i captured this, and another day the photo will be gone and i will forget. A state of being and non existence.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jun 21

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jun 21

Nothing interesting to say

Ive bored myself, locked down. Truly nothing to say to my friends, theres nothing to talk about, i have nothing, no interests, no quirks. I am house plant that occasionally grows a flower and not even a remarkable one at that, excitement at first until a new interest pulls there mind, and the saddest part, is that is that its fine, its fine for them to get bored of how like, YOU CAN ONLY TALK TO A FUCKING PLANT FOR SO LONG.

Im bored of me, and each sad attempt i watch myself try and every sad attempt at me trying to rope someone into me, so they HAVE to be interested in me is shameful.

Nothing to say
Does nothing
No interests

What can i expect, ive spent my whole life observing and never building a personality.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jun 14

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jun 14

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jun 14

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · Jun 9

I keep panicking, terrified they wont like me, terrified they are bored with what i make, i am frozen again, i cant make anything i am utterly terrifying.
Im boring them, soon they will move on and itll only be my own fault, and they should move on, im nothing, i have nothing to share.

Reposted by Pillows

AveryGShep @averygshep.bsky.social · Mar 14

Bark Bark! Relaxing while watching the moon tonight was perfect ngl

Image of the moon

Image of the moon partially within a lunar eclipse.

Image of the moon during a full lunar eclipse

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · May 27

Scared of everyone who looks at me, like i am a target, its not for even any one reason, sometimes it sucks to have long hair cause it draws so much attention to me. Wish i had someone to walk with, but even with someone i know, i am uncomfortable.

Pillows @whisperpills.bsky.social · May 20

Spent the whole day weeping, i am stun locked in terror, moving, knowing ill have to change and adapt, but i scared i cant, that ill disappoint everyone, or even more importantly myself, and ill loose even more sense of self. I am so small in this world and i will only get smaller when i move, with the eyes of my sister to judge me, i am scared i am going to hide even more. I don't want to be seen, i don't want be seen. I have to change, i will have to, ive wanted too, but i never wanted too.