The big man and I had quite the night. Krampus was up to his usual tricks and the reindeer had lost their ability to fly due to a virus unleashed by Jack Frost. We put Kramp man in his place, melted Jack, cured the reindeer and restored an old assholes belief in the holiday. Overall, good time.

I adopted a purebred Laser Cat. They're illegal in 126 solar systems due to the Novus Station massacre. But how can you resist such cuteness? 🫠

If only making milkshakes brought the right kind of guys to my yard. They're just standing on the lawn softly humming at a frequency that can only be described as muffled death cries of a fallen reindeer.

Am I making milkshakes wrong?

A massive Maine Coon cat, wearing what I can only describe as an entire universe's worth of stars in the form of a wizard's hat just showed up at my door and demanded I make them a sandwich. Is this how one becomes a cat parent?

I thought I had rid myself of this evil last year. But once again, I hear the skittering. The ominous whispers at night. Laughter echoing throughout the house. That monster is back for its revenge. I'm gonna have to try fire this time.

The elf will finally rest forever on his shelf.

It's that time of year again, where something goes terribly wrong and Santa needs help to save Xmas. I'm impatiently waiting by my phone (dodging texts from the Hat Man) for that inevitable call to dust off my slowly dying Xmas spirit to jump into the fray again.

Come on Santa, I got things to do.

I dropped my keys in the Bermuda Triangle and the lost and found there is a mess. I've been on hold with customer service for hours. 1 star. Would not recommend.

Someone once said, “Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination.” Whoever said that has never gone ten rounds with a werewolf in heat.

On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know any good chiropractors?

Changing my phone number again because the Hat Man somehow keeps getting it. This is the real problem with your data being sold to the highest bidder.

According to the seriously pissed off fish person that crawled out of the kitchen sink, soup is round and should never ever be put in a square Tupperware container.

I get the feeling this could harm my relations with the Sink Fish if I'm not careful.

History keeps repeating itself due in part to the universe's writers having an unhealthy obsession with reboots.

I told the barista this morning I take my coffee as dark as a black hole. They didnt quite grasp the concept of hyperbole and the coffee shop and the surrounding area are now gone, sucked right into that mug. Now I'm being questioned by the Space & Time Authority.

I just wanted some coffee.

So, apparently I have ghosts in my blood and was advised to do cocaine about it. Turns out the dealer was a charlatan and gave me haunted cocaine...my situation has not improved.

My sleep paralysis demon informed me last night that they're moving to Canada due to the election results. Gonna miss that asshole.